


Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by Jomarch05



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-12 12:41:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 38,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jomarch05/pseuds/Jomarch05
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Faberry. A chance encounter 6 years ago ended in tragedy. Can Captain Quinn Fabray of the marine corps and Rachel Berry, Grammy award winning singer, survive another meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**The Present**

The starched collar feels uncomfortable but she refrains from pulling at it, instead focusing on her surroundings, trying to find a place where she can observe the party unfettered by anyone or anything. Her dress uniform is impeccable and she wears it with grace although she's much more comfortable in the fatigues that she had consistently worn for the past year.

Captain Quinn Fabray hasn't been stateside in eleven months and instead of going out for the burger she's been craving ever since she got onto the plane, she found herself being co-opted into attending one of the State Department's Dinners, held in recognition for the troops serving in Afghanistan.

She detest the formalities and politics attached to these affairs, wondering whom she had pissed off when she had received the order from her commanding officer, stipulating that she had to represent the Corps and her battalion. Quinn stands in the corner and shakes her head, knowing that for the next three days, she was out of the line of fire and as much as she hated being here, she was safer than her fellow soldiers on the front line and therefore had no right to complain.

A waiter glides by and she snags a flute of champagne, finally allowing herself to indulge in a luxury that she had been denied for far too long. Her eyes scan the room, noting politicians and various high ranking military officials laughing and milling about and she wonders if this was what she was fighting for.

Quinn hates to second guess her decisions and she gets that duty and honor would mean different things to different people and to her, it meant fighting for what she believed in and defending the rights of the people in this room regardless of whether she supported their behavior and beliefs or not. The champagne is cool to her lips and she empties the glass ignoring the fact that she hasn't eaten anything the whole day.

It's when she turns to grab another glass that she spots her. The green dress hugs her curves in all the right places, the plunging neckline suggestive but not too revealing; a dazzling smile gracing the beautiful face that is unfortunately not directed at her. It is not difficult to recognize Rachel Berry. Quinn had seen enough posters hung above beds and in the Mess hall to identify the singer, even if she wasn't facing her directly.

They had met once, six years ago, an encounter that she would never forget although she's pretty sure that Rachel would have wanted to forget her and the memories linked to that night. If not for anything, it was one of the reasons she had enlisted and stayed on in the marine corps. That experience shaping her decisions more than any other.

Quinn feels her heart pound in her chest and the adrenaline flow, her fight or flight complex urging her to run before she ruins Rachel's night yet again. However, the pull to stare at her and drink her in is so strong that all she can do is to stand there, the taste of champagne on her lips now replaced by a memory so intense that her fingers unconsciously touch her lips before she places it behind her back, as if coming to attention.

#$#$#$#

She reminds herself to fire her manager the minute she has a chance to use the phone and call him. It's not that she does not want to spend her time for such a good cause as singing for the troops. She's done three USO concerts in the four years since her first album came out. However, this was different. Hobnobbing with politicians and Capitol Hill military officers who hadn't been on the front line in years was tiring and in her opinion a waste of time.

However, she knows why she still comes to these functions and why her manager will not get fired. Even after six years, she still holds out hope that she'll see her again. It's why she scans the crowd at each of her concerts or when she attends these types of parties.

Rachel just wants to know that she's alive, she's promised herself that she'll be happy with only that knowledge, not expecting anything more. It was an encounter that literally changed her life. It made her see things so differently and she knows that she's the better for it. However, it had also been an encounter filed with hate, anger and pain.

Try as she might, she would never forget the girl she had met then and like she has done at countless of these parties, she slowly walks around the room, scanning all the faces, hoping to see hazel eyes and blond hair.

She stops to talk to a senator, smiling because he's a fan who had brought his two daughters to one of her shows. But more importantly because he had recently signed another Bill supporting more rights for same sex couples. It's a cause close to her heart for a number of reasons.

Rachel's never come out in public not because she was worried it would affect her career but mainly because she's never found anyone she wanted to be with. She nods when he compliments her on the dress and gives him her signature smile before turning to walk towards the balcony.

As always, she craves solitude because it's a scarce resource in her life. She had chosen to be a public figure, performing was in her blood. However, it was also taxing and every now and then, she would try and sneak away even if it was only for a few minutes, it gave her enough respite to then continue in the public eye.

She makes it halfway across the room before her eyes finally recognize the one person she's been hoping to see for so long. At first Rachel thinks it's a mirage, a figment of her imagination; her brain working overtime because she's been hoping for so long to see her. Except, she blinks and Quinn is still there standing across the room, staring straight at her. The Dress Blues fit the blond perfectly as she stands a bit apart in the crowd. Her posture is straight, one hand holding a flute of champagne as the other is held behind her back. Her hair is in a bun under her cap but it's her eyes that capture her attention as they did all those years ago.

#$#$#$#

**Six Years Ago**

"Come on Rachel, you've been over this song a hundred times. Give it a rest and come out dancing with us. Otherwise you'll burn out and I'll be left bored and alone, with no competition." The cajoling voice does nothing to alleviate her worry as Rachel looks up from the piano.

"Jesse, don't make me regret letting you back into my life. Just because you're the only male lead here who can keep up with me vocally, does not make you serious competition." She smiles when she sees that he's in uniform again. Always one to push his theatrical flair, he's added aviator shades and polished his shoes to a mirror finished.

He had been devastated when his full scholarship had been revoked last year due to budget cuts; only to finally find assistance by joining the Fighting 55th AROTC. It hadn't been an easy decision for him like it hadn't been when he finally admitted to being gay.

The repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" hadn't spilled over to the ROTC unit until recently and it was what finally spurred Jesse to join up. He had been out and proud but still faced discrimination from some of the student population like Dave Karofsky and Azimio. They had threatened to beat Jesse up if he wore his uniform in public but Jesse didn't care.

"Are you sure you don't want to change?" She loves him and initially thought that she was in love with him but they made better friends than anything else and right now, she's afraid for his safety.

"Why?" His voice is genuinely curious. "I thought I looked dashing and ready for the world to meet Cadet Jesse St James." He smiles as he takes her hand and sits next to her at the piano. His other hand playing a melody that he knows will entice her to sing.

_The incident happened three days ago and she's still feeling off kilter about it although it does not seem to have had an effect on Jesse at all. They had been walking across the quad, Jesse wearing his uniform for the first time had surprised her after one of her classes. Though they had dated briefly their first year, Jesse's subsequent relationships had been mostly with other guys and he never felt the need to hide it._

_They didn't see the football until it made contact with Jesse's head, ricocheting to hit her in the back. It didn't hurt but it was a surprise as was the laughter heard. Jesse had reacted almost immediately, scooping up the ball and throwing it forcefully at the three jocks off to the side. "Too bad your aim's never than good during games. Come to think of it, that throw was probably a fluke as well."_

" _Jesse, don't, they're not worth it." She tugs at his arm even as he plants his feet, his arms held akimbo as he stares at Karofsky and his band of idiots. Rachel's seen what they can do and as much as she would like to stay and tell them off, she knows that they have no qualms in hurting Jesse._

" _Yeah, homo, run along with your fag hag." Azimio makes shooing motions with his hands and it would have been funny if not for his sneer and threatening step forward. "My brother wears that uniform with pride and if I ever see you wearing it again, I'm going to kick your ass." The threat is clear and followed with a push that sends Jesse stumbling into her._

_Rachel had helped him up, gripping onto his hand so tightly that her nails make semicircle indentations in his arm. She knew he had wanted to retaliate but could feel her fear so he turned and led her away, ignoring the further jibes thrown his way._

The melody is so familiar and she wants to sing but knows that he's avoiding the situation so she stills his hand before answering, "Listen, I know you think you're being brave and doing the right thing." Rachel sees Jesse's knowing smile and it comforts her. "But you heard those Neanderthals. I don't want to see you hurt." She adjusts his collar her hand finally resting on his shoulder.

"You are a sweetheart and if I wasn't gay.." her blush is adorable and he continues, "They're all bark and no bite and I am going back to change since there are rules about wearing the uniform. Anyway, you really do need to have a night out, my dear." He knows she's fighting her own internal battle with her sexuality. They had both come from Lima, Ohio, expecting different things.

Jesse knows that Rachel wasn't afraid but just hadn't found the right person to have a connection with and he hoped that she'll find someone because she was so special and amazing. "Some Chinese food and dancing at Mountain Bar; you know you want to." He bumps her shoulder. "I'll meet you out front in half an hour. Don't go breaking my heart." He sings the last part, knowing she'll answer in return and she does not disappoint.

Her clear voice singing the next line, as her signature smile graces her face, "I couldn't if I tried.."

True to his word, he had changed but still kept up the theme, this time wearing a vintage bomber jacket with khaki pants and a white t-shirt, his aviator sunglasses still on his face. "Ready to go?" He offers her his arm which she takes as he guides her to his car.

The bar was pretty crowded for a Thursday night and Rachel was tempted to leave but Jesse had a firm hold on her hand, pulling her towards the main bar. Her attention caught between the exit and trying to get out of Jesse's grip, until she saw her, or rather she met hazel eyes that were mesmerizing.

The girl behind the bar leaned forward. "Can I take your order?" She was smiling as she asked the question, her eyes locked onto Rachel's.

She's never felt this way before, a nebulous connection that pulls her in. Her focus singular and directed at one person, someone she's never met but who has completely captured her entire senses. She doesn't blink as she stares into those eyes, wondering what they would look like if filled with a different emotion.

Rachel wants to answer back but instead, she smiles, one of her really special smiles, the one she's never bestowed on anyone except now.

**End Part 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**The Present**

Quinn's holding her breath as she stares at the woman across the room, their eyes locking as it did six years ago. The memory so intense, she has to steel herself from taking a step forward, knowing that she does not have the right to. So many thoughts flit across her mind, how beautiful Rachel looks, wishing she could hear her voice, not from the recordings she has played repeatedly but to hear her voice calling her name.

Wondering if the brunette ever thought about her in the intervening six years; hoping that if she did, it wasn't laced with hate or pain. Quinn definitely hadn't forgotten Rachel. Not because she had become famous in the six years since their initial encounter even though it would have been difficult to ignore her ascent to fame even if Quinn had been stationed overseas for most of it.

A day hadn't gone by where Quinn's thoughts wouldn't stray to Rachel Berry. Sometimes, it would just be fleeting and other times, depending on how difficult a day she's had, she would concentrate on remembering her smile, the first one she had managed to elicit from the diminutive would be star when she had first asked for her drink order.

It had helped get her through difficult times in her tours. She loved flying the AH-1 Cobras and knew that she made a difference. She had always wanted to fly and had excelled in academics. The only issue was that her father had thrown her our when she got pregnant at sixteen. A stupid mistake that she immediately regretted but it had been too late. The boy had tried to do the right thing but she had lost the baby. She never went back home though and the only way to get to her dream was to get a full ride from joining NROTC.

Six years ago, all she wanted to do was to graduate and teach others to fly. It had been her dream until she met Rachel and Jesse. That one night changed everything for her. She does not regret her decisions since but she carries the weight of the choices she made that night. Knowing that it had been her fault had not brought her any peace and she hardly ever could sleep through the night.

She sees recognition on Rachel's face and she expects hate to follow only the diva steps forward, her brown eyes wide and an understanding expectant look on her beautiful face.

It's too much for Quinn, the guilt comes crashing down and all she can do is to quickly turn away. She leaves her glass on one of the side tables and practically runs out of the room. She can hear the sound of someone calling her name even as her heels beat a tattoo on the floor as she runs. Quinn freezes for just an instant but cannot bring herself to stop as she turns to the exit, her arms already extended to push at the doors.

#$#$#$

"Quinn" She does not shout her name but knows that the blond had heard it when she sees her freeze for just an instant before she disappears. Rachel was almost sure that she had been hallucinating. It wasn't the first time it had happened. A year after she had been discharged from the hospital, she had thought she saw Quinn from a far.

She had been in for one of her sessions and noticed someone starring at her. Her heart had leapt and she ran towards the girl, her name automatically falling from her lips. Only it hadn't been Quinn, the eyes up close were blue although her hair had been the same color. She had wanted it to be Quinn so desperately that she hadn't let go of the woman until a full minute had passed and then she had broken down and cried.

However, at this moment, Rachel is completely certain that the woman in uniform who had looked directly at her was Quinn Fabray. She would never forget those eyes. The memory of looking into them, through her fog of pain and trepidation was what kept her going.

The strong impetus to see them again was what steered her decisions through the six years since. Rachel knows that she does not want to waste this chance as she picks up her dress and runs towards the exit, ignoring the startled looks of the guests surrounding her.

All she knows is that she needs to catch Quinn before she disappeared once again. She feels the rush of warm air on her arms as she turns to look out into the darkness, hoping to catch a glimpse of where Quinn could have gone. She sees the dress blues and this time, she does shout, "Quinn, please."

Her heels click onto the pavement as she runs forward, hope filling her heart as she sees Quinn stop and turn around, the light from the lamppost illuminating her face. Rachael runs as fast as she can, not wanting to give Quinn a chance to change her mind.

It's only when she reaches the blond, does she realize she does not know what to say. Or to be precise, she does not know what to say first. She had thought about this day for so long with so many permutations and outcomes that she's at a loss as to what to start with. So she goes with the first thing that comes to mind.

"You're still beautiful."

#$#$#$#$

**Six Years Ago**

"You're beautiful." The words are a bit slurred and Rachel knows she's drunk because if she wasn't, she would never be so forward especially to another woman. She sees Quinn smile at her from behind the bar as she places another drink in front of Rachel. "And you're trying to get me drunk." Rachel snatches the drink before Quinn can take it back and the laughter it elicits from the blond is musical.

"You're a lightweight and you're quite stunning yourself."The wink she gives Rachel surprises her as much as her words do. Quinn had very strict rules about not flirting at her place of work and definitely not picking up any women. She knew that there was no issue anymore with serving in the military or at least that what she tells herself.

She knows her fellow NROTC midshipmen wouldn't care as long as she held up the principals of the corps. However, Quinn also understands that her private life should remain private and that meant not picking up woman at work regardless of how gorgeous they were.

She sees Rachel blush as she looks down, as if embarrassed. "Are you going to dance with me or flirt for free drinks all night?" Jesse's voice cuts through her haze as she feels his hand pull her from her chair. "She'll still be there after a few songs." He nudges Rachel towards the dance floor as he whispers in her ear. "And at least you could try playing hard to get."

It' those words that spur her on as Rachel realizes that she has spent almost an hour sitting at the bar starring at Quinn. Even her name was special. It was the second thing she noticed after her eyes; the black stitching on her pocket giving it away. It had rolled off her tongue so easily, Quinn, last name Fabray. That little nugget wasn't stitched on but Rachel had managed to get it out of the blond when she introduced herself.

"Fine. And for the record, I wasn't flirting for free drinks but was aiming for her number."

It's her turn to pull him to the dance floor as she hears his roar of laughter behind her. The music is a mix of old school rock and new hits. Songs she recognizes and sings along to, as Jesse twirls her around. Every now and then, she gets a good look at the bar and surprisingly, each time, Quinn would make eye contact.

Jesse's holding her close for the next song, a ballad he's sung before and she can hear the words as he sings them. Only he suddenly stops, his feet unmoving as he stares at the entrance of the bar.

"What's wrong?" Rachel sees his eyes narrow as she turns to see what had distracted him. Karofsky, Azimio and two of their friends had just entered the bar. She feels a sliver of fear take hold of her senses as she looks around, hoping to see some of their own friends, knowing that there would be safety in numbers.

Only it's still early by their standards and they would only come later. "Let's just go." Rachel hopes that they have not been spotted as she turns to walk away only to feel Jesse pull her back.

"We are not running away." He pulls her close and dips her before pulling her up, causing a small scene as the other dancers surrounding them, move away to give them more room. Jesse does not waste the chance to show off as he dances close to her, looking directly into her eyes, "Trust me, this is so going to get you her number." He smiles as he shows off one of his slick dance moves that cause her to giggle and do one of her own.

Pretty soon, they're twirling around each other before her lifts her up as she arches her back just as the song ends. She ignores the sound of applause as her eyes automatically goes to the bar where she sees Quinn starring at her, her hands clasps before her as if frozen as she stares at Rachel.

"Shit." She hears Jesses curse under his breath as he grabs her hand. However, it's only when she sees Quinn's eyes widen does she turn around to see Azimio bearing down on them, Karofsky hot on his heels.

"Well, looky here." Azimio pushes Jesse but he holds his ground, his hands in fists by his side. "You just love being the centre of attention don't you? I think it's about time you got your butt kicked." He pushes Jesse again such that he backs into Rachel.

Rachel feels herself stumble back only to be caught by two strong arms. "It's ok, I've got you." She hears Quinn's voice in her ear before she feels the arms let her go just as Azimio's fist connects with Jesse's cheek.

It all takes place so fast, that she misses seeing Quinn react when she blinks her eyes a few times. She does see Jesse pull back and charge at Karofsky, bringing him to the ground, thei arms and legs all tangled. However, it's Quinn's quick reaction that stops Jesse from getting hurt further as she brings Azimio down, his arm twisted behind his back as she sits on top of him.

The music had stopped by then and a couple of waiters surround them as she finally hears Quinn's voice again. "You and your friends are going to get escorted out and if I see you in here again, I'm going to call the cops. Got it?" Quinn waits to see him nod before letting the two burly waiters take over.

She helps Jesse to his feet before looking around to see Rachel still sitting on the ground. "Hey, are you ok?" The concern in her voice is palpable and all Rachel can do is nod, the incident enough to rattle her normally stoic exterior.

"Come on, looks like you're going to need another drink. They're gone and they're not going to hurt you anymore" She feels Quinn pull on her arms but she can't quite move as yet. She sees Jesse at Quinn's shoulder, his mouth bloody from the punch and her tears leak out from the corner of her eyes.

"Come on, Rach." His voice is gentle and she feels like such a fool considering that she's not the one who's hurt. So she closes her eyes for a few seconds to gather her courage, convincing herself that all is fine before she opens them and starts to stand up.

She sees the look of relief pass between Quinn and Jesse and huffs out a breath. "Sorry guys, I'm fine." The smile Quinn gives her is like the first one she received and it finally calms her down as they make their way over to the bar once again. The crowd finally dispersing as the music starts up again.

"So, what time do you get off?" Jesse's question is direct and Rachel bows her head to hide her blush even as she strains to hear Quinn's answer. Both Quinn and Jesse were in ROTC and had spent the better part of the hour sharing their experiences. She didn't mind all that much mainly because every now and then, Quinn would turn to her to ask about something or to touch her hand.

"We close at two and by the time I lock up, it's about two forty five." She sees Rachel duck her head and it's such an endearing trait that she can't help but smile before she decides to just go for it. "The Chinese restaurant across the street serves great dumplings and closes at two forty five. I could meet you there?"

"Sounds like a plan." Rachel hears Jesse answer on her behalf and almost stops him until she glances up, to see Quinn biting her lower lip between her teeth as she looked at her; a hopeful expression on her face that Rachel found completely endearing.

"Ok, I'll see you soon." Rachel swallows the last of her drink before waving at Quinn, amazed that she's made a connection to someone and looking forward to their meeting.

The street is relatively empty but it does not faze her as she sees the lights from the restaurant across the street. Jesse is softly singing under his breath and she joins him, their hands loosely linked.

She does not see them approach her from behind, nor hear their footfalls until it's too late. She remembers screaming until her body hit the pavement, air rushing out of her lungs. The cold ground at odds with her hot tears. She could hear Jesse's voice screaming at them not to hurt her but even that faded into the background as soon as she saw the knife.

**End Part 2**


	3. Chapter 3

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**The Present**

Rachel's voice had always had the almost magical ability to soothe her. It was amazing that such a short encounter had such a profound influence on her life but Quinn never questioned it. All she knew was that listening to Rachel sing wherever she was, always made her feel safe, loved and so very special.

Depending on her mood, Quinn vacillated between Rachel's Broadway album and her second album of love songs. She knew them all by heart and somehow, it made a difference to her. Right now, hearing her voice was almost too much to bear. However, it also had a visceral effect on her such that when Rachel pleaded for her to stop; she could not do anything except comply.

Quinn turns to look at the shorter woman run towards her and all at once, she feels regret and guilt weigh down on her shoulders. However, she can't help but admire the beauty and grace that was Rachel Berry. She truly does not know what to expect as Rachel finally stops a foot from her, her chest heaving from the exertion as she stares at Quinn.

Quinn wants to reach out like she did all those years ago but she knows that her chance has passed so she keeps her hands by her side as she waits for Rachel to say something. Her words are softly spoken but Quinn hears them regardless and they finally spur her forward.

She pulls Rachel towards her, their lips meeting as if they've done this a thousand times and in her dreams, they had. Her hands are in Rachel's hair and she feels the diva's hands go around her waist pulling her closer. The kiss is filled with passion and heat, years of pent up emotions finally let loosed.

She feels Rachel's teeth graze her lower lip and she shivers, her tongue pushing gently into Rachel's inviting mouth. Her eyes are closed and all her senses are attuned to the woman in her arms. Her taste and smell cocoons her, all new sensations yet on some level, so familiar as well.

She hears Rachel moan and it sends a jolt through her body, her knees actually go weak as she holds onto the smaller woman more firmly. "You're stunning." Quinn murmurs as she places small butterfly kisses down the side of Rachel's neck, only to groan when Rachel finally pulls back.

"We should go back inside or go someplace else?" She's panting slightly, not from the earlier exertion but from the incredible make out session she had just had. She sees Quinn staring at her, and dips her head, a blush spreading across her cheeks. She has never been this forward in years and it's invigorating because it's Quinn and something she's only dreamt about. She feels Quinn's finger gently on her chin, raising it, such that their eyes meet again.

"My car is just there." She points to a blue Camry parked at the corner. "Where do you want to go?" She holds onto Rachel's hand, not wanting to let go for fear that she would disappear. Quinn wants to ask her so many questions but most importantly, she wants to apologize, to beg her forgiveness and she realizes that even though Rachel did not seem to hold a grudge against her, she needed to come clean.

The kiss had been amazing, holding Rachel's body flushed to hers had been heavenly and something she had only dreamt about and even then only sparsely because she never once thought it would ever occur. Except she knows that its short lived because Rachel needed to know the whole truth and when she did, Quinn doubted if Rachel would ever want to see her again.

"My hotel has a private entrance." Rachel feels the heat from Quinn's hand and she concentrates on that as opposed to getting lost in her memories. The last time she had seen Quinn was six years ago. However, she had not been fully conscious at the end and then the blond had disappeared, leaving her a short note.

She sees Quinn contemplate her words and then nod slowly, their intertwined hands linking them in a way that their words have not as yet until Quinn's next words. "Ok, come with me, I'll drive."

#$#$#$#

There is soft music playing on the radio and information on her hotel had been entered into the GPS. All Rachel can think of is that she misses the feel of Quinn's hand in hers until she sees the blond extend her hand across the gearbox and she gladly takes it, silence permeating the car. Her thumb finally settling on scar tissue at the side of Quinn's palm and the feel of it is so familiar, reminding her of her own scar, hidden away beneath her clothes.

She shudders and it doesn't go unnoticed by Quinn. "Are you cold?" She let's go or Rachel's hand and adjusts the air conditioning only to feel Rachel still her fingers.

"No, it's fine, I'm just….I'm just remembering." She never talks about that night, at least not willingly or when mandated by the court. Like her own scar, it's hidden away, not to be reviewed or discussed. Rachel tends to believe that if she doesn't think about it then, she can forget that it actually happened and Jesse...it's the name that causes her eyes to well with tears.

She sees Quinn glance at her and tighten her grip on her hand. She wants her to say something, anything but understands that there really wasn't much else that needed to be said. They had found each other after six years and maybe that was the time fate had deigned that they needed to be apart. There were so many things that never made sense in her life and she wasn't going to question the one thing that finally did.

Rachel looks out the window and the lights of the city are no different from LA and she allows herself to finally be transported back to that fateful night.

#$#$#$#

**Six Years Ago**

Rachel can hear crying but the sound is eclipsed by unbearable pain until she realizes that it's her voice that is hoarse and weeping and as she turns, she sees Jesse's body sprawled next to her, his eyes open and staring, blood pooling around him. She tries to move her hand and barely manages before she blacks out from the pain.

She comes to without knowing how much time had passed and sees that she had moved her hand and had managed to grab onto Jesse's shirt. Rachel tries to pull herself forward and the blinding pain from her side causes her to see stars but at least she does not black out again although her voice is long gone as her scream barely registers sound.

Her hand gently goes to her side and comes away wet as her senses finally play catch up and she can smell the blood on herself and on Jesse. Memories from the attack slowly making its way back into her consciousness; their voices and taunts, their expressions full of hate. Rachel recalls Jesse's voice telling them not to hurt her but it had been too late as she felt the knife cut into her flesh.

She had fought, pushing and kicking but the pain had been overwhelming and then Jesse had gone down and she remembered screaming his name until she passed out. She's feeling so cold now and wonders if Jesse is too as she tries to call out to him, her hand still holding on tightly to his shirt.

#$#$#$#

Steve, one of the waiters was signaling to her and Quinn really didn't feel like fending off another of his feeble attempts to pick her up. However, he did help her get rid of the jerks that were harassing Rachel and Jesse so she finally goes over to talk to him when she sees him gesturing for a drink.

"Hey, thanks for your help just now." She smiles at him, handing him a glass of water.

"Yeah, no worries. Just so you know, I was on my cigarette break an hour back and those guys were still hanging around outside." He finishes the water and is about to ask her out when he sees her eyes widen as she turns to look at the door as if hoping to see something. "Hey, Quinn, I was wondering.."

Only she cuts him off, "Where outside?" She prays that she's over reacting and that they wouldn't be stupid enough to do anything.

"By the side street, you know, the one across from the restaurant." Her heartbeat accelerates when she realizes that it would be exactly where Rachel and Jesse would walk to in order to get to the restaurant. She doesn't hear what else he says as she rushes out, leaping over the bar, in order to get to the door.

Quinn pushes by the last of the crowd as she reaches the outside, her eyes scanning the road hoping not to see anything untoward. It's relatively quiet and the windows of the restaurant are still lighted and Quinn tries to discern if Rachel is sitting at any of the tables.

She's not sure if she had heard the sound before the smell of blood hits her but what she does remember is seeing Rachel's shoe three feet away from her and praying that the two forms on the ground weren't dead.

She blindly reaches for her phone only to realize she hadn't taken it with her in her haste. Quinn turns to run back only to hear a whimper that stops her in her tracks before she scrambles back towards the bodies on the ground.

She recognizes Rachel but the amount of blood on the ground causes her to nearly gag. Her training finally kicking in as she feels for a pulse before placing pressure on where she thinks Rachel is still bleeding out from.

Quinn's almost relieved when she hears Rachel moan and buck under her hand. "I know it's painful but I need to stop the bleeding." She sees Rachel finally turn to her, her brown eyes reflecting light and hurt. "Hey, I'm here, I'm right here and you're going to be fine. Ok, I'm not going to leave you. No one's going to hurt you anymore." She echoing her words from before and can see in Rachel's eyes that the brunette knows that like before, she's lying.

"Jesse" Her beautiful voice is rough but the name still comes across as Quinn turns to look at Jesse, not needing to try and find a pulse because she can see that he's not breathing. She hears Rachel groan and try and move and she knows that she needs to calm her down or she'll bleed out faster.

"He's fine, you just need to relax, please don't move." Her voice is thick with emotion as she feels Rachel's blood spill out through her fingers. She knows Jesse is dead and there's nothing she can do for him but Rachel's still alive and she knows that she needs to do everything in her power to ensure she stayed that way, even if she needed to lie.

"You're going to be ok, the both of you are going to be ok." She sees Rachel try to smile as she closes her eyes against the pain. "Hey, listen beautiful, I'm still going to hold you to the date you promised me." Her voice is borderline frantic but at least she sees Rachel staring into her eyes again, her hand now holding onto Quinn's arm.

"Kiss me, please.." The plea is so softly spoken that Quinn stares at Rachel, trying to decipher if the words were really spoken or if it was just her own need making her think them. Except she sees the same need reflected in Rachel's eyes. So she leans forward, her hands still placing as much pressure as she could on Rachel's wound. The grimace on Rachel's face finally obliterated when their lips touch.

The kiss is soft, tentative as first as Quinn is too afraid of hurting Rachel further but she hears the sigh emitted by the brunette and it spurs her on to deepen the kiss, tasting her like she had wanted to the first time she set eyes on Rachel. She feels Rachel respond back but she also feels her life blood coating her hands such that Quinn finally pulls back, needing to see Rachel's eyes; only they are closed.

Quinn hears voices in the distance and she shouts as loud as she can, asking for help, pleading for someone to call an ambulance. She finally hears footfalls and sees Steve and one of the cooks from the bar coming to her aid. However, she does not let go of Rachel until she's loaded into the ambulance. Even then, it was only after Rachel had been sedated did the brunette let her hand go.

She does not make it to the hospital until four hours later, all the while praying that Rachel had made it. The police and coroner had come to take statements and to collect Jesse's body. She had nothing much to tell them about the attack except to highlight the incident at the bar early on and describe the four men. She feels ineffectual and so afraid for Rachel but the one overwhelming emotion that coats everything is guilt.

Quinn finally realizing that she had been the one to kick them out and even though she had no proof that Rachel and Jesse were attacked by the same men, she had a feeling that she was partly responsible and it made her want to cry.

She had driven to the hospital, Rachel's blood still on her hands but she did not notice until the nurse at the station gently told her that she needed to wash it off before she could see anyone. The woman had kindly directed her to a seldom used toilet where she had stayed for more than forty minutes, sobbing and scrubbing her hands until they were raw and she was full out of tears.

The waiting room she had finally been showed to had a small group of people waiting, two were wearing UCLA hoodies but all of them looking anxious and frightened. She could hear them talking amongst themselves about Rachel and she wants to ask if there's any news when she hears them discuss Jesse.

"They say he died saving her." The words are spoken in a hushed tone as if saying it any louder would negate their meaning. The others nod at the words until someone else adds, "He called to say he was going to wait with her, that she was waiting for a date."

Quinn hears all of it and it adds to the guilt she already feels. She goes to sit in the corner, her hands on her knees as she bends forward, her head down.

"She has to be ok, right? I mean Jesse's already dead and we can lose her too." The asian girl starts to cry and a boy in a wheelchair goes to comfort her. "Why didn't anyone see it or help her sooner. It's not fair, Rachel doesn't deserve this."

It's the same question she's been asking herself since Rachel was loaded into the ambulance. Despite what the police had told her about not knowing who was responsible for the attack, Quinn knows that it was probably the guys she had thrown out of the bar.

Rachel didn't deserve to be hurt and deep down; Quinn knows that it was her fault. She hadn't wanted to call the police initially because she didn't want to hassle of wasting a few hours and losing more receipts for the bar that night. So instead, she had aggravated them and thrown them out.

She should have been their target, not Rachel and she rushes to the nearest bathroom, emptying the meager contents of her stomach. Quinn doesn't return to the waiting room, instead, she leaves the hospital, understanding that she had been responsible for how the night had ended and knowing that she didn't need to bother Rachel further.

Because of her cowardice and selfish act, Jesse was dead and Rachel had been hurt. All Quinn knew was that she needed to do something and make a difference because what she had done last night had resulted in a tragedy for which she had to spend the rest of her life regretting and hopefully making up for it.

**End Part 3**


	4. Chapter 4

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**Six Years Ago**

Rachel remembered waking up in the hospital, expecting to hear Quinn's soothing voice and be greeted by clear, beautiful hazel eyes, only Quinn never showed. Her surgery to repair her ruptured spleen took longer than normal and the thick white bandages around her stomach hid the extent of her injuries. She had felt so lost and alone despite having some of her friends from school by her bedside. But the two people she really needed weren't there. She knew deep down that Jesse was dead even though no one would answer her questions. So she just put all her faith in seeing Quinn.

It was only when her dads showed up did she gather her courage to ask one of them to find the blond bartender who haunted her thoughts. She had been devastated to learn of Jesse's death and needed to hear Quinn's voice, telling her everything was going to be ok. It was like a talisman of sorts, something to hold onto considering nothing made sense any longer.

She couldn't sleep each time seeing Jesse's open eyes staring at her when she closed her own. She couldn't keep much food down either and had to have an IV inserted. She was slowly unraveling and knew that she was placing too much faith in thinking that Quinn's presence could make a difference, could save her from herself and her thoughts.

She began to play the what if game, each time knowing that if she just made a different decision at any point that night, Jesse would be with her right now. It was a never-ending guilt trip of what if she refused to go dancing or what if she didn't stay as long at the bar talking to Quinn or what if they didn't decide to go to the Chinese restaurant.

All decisions that ultimately led to Jesse being dead and the fact that all she can think about was seeing Quinn again finally makes her feel even more sick. She didn't deserve to see the blond and in the end, when her dad came back empty handed, she felt relieved.

Only when he extended his arm, did she see the small white envelope he proffered. She couldn't bring herself to take it and eventually, he placed it by her side before kissing her forehead. She saw her name written in blue ink on the front, the curl of the letters so delicate and much like how she pictured Quinn to write.

Rachel didn't open the letter instead opting to take the sleeping pills she had been prescribed, hoping that she wouldn't dream about Jesse. Each day subsequently, she kept the letter by her side, the envelope, now creased as her fingers would trace her name on the front even as she gripped it tightly in her hand.

She didn't read it until she was cleared for discharge, thirteen days later. Sitting in the wheelchair waiting for her dads, she finally caved and opened it. The words looking unclear at first, until she realized she had started crying when she saw her tears dot the paper.

The message was so simple yet it resonated within her, the words echoing in her head as if they had been there all along. Four words that have been stuck in her throat because the one person she needed to say them to was dead.

Her tears had come fast and furious then and she didn't even register her fathers embrace as her body shook uncontrollably, as she finally gave voice to her grief. Only she realized she was grieving for more than just losing Jesse. She was grieving for losing Quinn as well even though she never had her in the first place.

#$#$#$#

The first thing she did was quit her job. She wasn't sure if Rachel would come looking for her but if she did, Quinn didn't want to be tempted into talking to her or asking for absolution. All she finally allowed herself was to leave a note for Rachel just in case.

Four words that she knew wouldn't change anything but she needed to say them even if she didn't have the courage to do it in Rachel's presence. Steve had called that morning to tell her that her letter had been picked up and she had been surprised that Rachel had already been discharged. Only he had corrected her in her assumption instead telling her that it had been Rachel's dad who had come and he had been looking for her.

The guilt she felt had not diminished one iota, instead growing and changing such that she knew she needed to make a clean break. Her decision seemed so clear then. She remembered the last hours at the bar talking to Jesse.

" _So you really want to serve in active battle?" Quinn's voice carries a note of surprise. She had pegged Jesse as more of a pacifist. She guessed that he was gay and it hadn't been difficult when he asked about Steve, eyeing the waiter each time he came over to fill a drink order._

" _Yeah, of course. I mean, I'm no hero or have a death wish but I feel I owe it to the air force. If they're willing to pay for my education, the least I could do was to uphold their beliefs. You know, God and Country. Well, as long as they respect my right to choose and to be a gay as they come." He bumps shoulders with Rachel as she turns to smile at him, her hand automatically curling round his. "How about you?"_

_Quinn notes their intertwined hands and wishes she was in Jesse's place but she also hears his question and gives it some thought as she prepares another drink. Her reasons for joining ROTC were not that different from Jesse's as they both had not that many choices. However, she had not thought about it as much as he had even though she had been part of the program since her freshman year and they were all graduating soon._

_She had spent the past few years focused on getting her pilot wings and had her heart set on teaching at flight school. She never considered going into combat even though she realized it was a true possibility. "I..I never really considered it although I guess it's a possibility." She sees Rachel's eyes go wide at her words._

" _Damn straight." Jesse giggles at his double entendre and sips his drink. "Here's to serving God and Country." He holds up the glass in expectation for Quinn and Rachel to follow, which they do._

" _I don't want to think of either of you in combat." Rachel shakes her head as if trying to dispel the very thought from her mind. Except she knows that she can't really ignore the fact that Jesse could end up in an active war and so could Quinn. So she concentrates on the present as she looks Quinn in the eye, hoping that she picks up on her interest._

_Quinn notices Rachel staring at her and wants nothing more that to lean over and taste her but she knows that she can't do it as yet so she just smiles as she finishes making the drink. "Are your friends coming by?"_

" _Nah, I told them to forget it." Jesse's elated that Rachel had finally shown interest in someone and he didn't even mind that she was in the navy ROTC as opposed to the much cooler air force. Besides, she liked to fly and it made her ok in his book. "So, what time do you get off?"_

Changing her plan was easy but trying to forget Rachel was not. She had to literally stop herself from seeking the brunette out, each time focusing on the image of Rachel bleeding out in the alley and the feel of her blood on her fingers.

She still kept tabs on Rachel, scouring the UCLA school newspapers and websites to find any small hint about Rachel's well being. She devoured every scrap of news from the report of the attack to mentions of Rachel as she got back to school activities, to the appeal two months later for donations to a revue starring Rachel Berry and other course mates of Jesse St. James. All proceeds to be given to a Jesse St. James scholarship fund for UCLA LGBT needy students.

Quinn had finally given in to her need then and had gone for the revue. She hid in the back and left before Rachel got on stage because her tears had already started falling and she knew that she couldn't see Rachel and not talk to her or touch her, so she stayed away.

She choose early graduation and had volunteered for an overseas mission the first chance she got. It was only the night before she left did she cave once more and wrote her last note to Rachel. It was brief though not as short as her first one. She knew that she still could not see Rachel without wanting more so she left it at her dorm, hoping that even if she wasn't staying there anymore, that it would finally get to her.

#$#$#$#$

**The Present**

The memories still make her heart hurt but at least now, she has more answers than she did six years ago, except not the one she really wants. Rachel's hand goes into her small clutch, her fingers touching the paper hidden in the seam at the side. It's been with her even since she got it, her inanimate charm because the person she needed hadn't been there.

The words she read had sent her heart racing but not in the way she desired. It made her afraid and reminded her of Jesse's death. However, it's the last line that she's memorized the second she read it.

' _I have to make a difference, to make sense of what happened and to make amends. Jesse talked about serving his country and even though I know I would pale in comparison to his sense of duty, I have to try. I hope you live a long and happy life and achieve everything you've always deserved. Goodbye Rachel.' Always Quinn_

Tina had brought it to her the night of her debut in her first starring role at the Pacific Resident Theatre. Like before, she recognized Quinn's writing and couldn't bring herself to open the letter. So she had waited until the run of the play had ended; twenty-four performances, each one slightly different from the one before as she honed her craft. Each one dedicated to two people she most wanted in her life, that unfortunately were not in her life; Jesse had been killed too young and Quinn had gone off to fight in wars because she felt a sense of duty.

She carried it with her everywhere, tucked in the small of her back when she accepted her first Grammy, the paper folded such that she could feel its corner digging into her skin, reminding her that like Quinn, she needed to live her life hoping that eventually they would meet again. It had been something she never vocalized, yet it resonated in every decision she made.

"Are you ok?" Quinn's question finally breaking the cocoon of silence around them as Rachel feels the grip on her hand tighten once again, a physical link that grounds her in reality and finally allows her to acknowledge that her one hope, her one dream that she never dared articulate was finally coming to pass.

"Yes, yes, I think I'm going to be." She sees her hotel and takes a deep breath, understanding that like that night six years ago, everything was going to change again in her life. Except that unlike that devastating night, this experience tonight with Quinn was going to be a new start for the both of them.

Quinn notes that Rachel's hand is shaking as she holds her key card out and takes the initiative to guide her hand to the slot and does not let go. The doors open into a vast suite at the top floor of the exclusive hotel. Luxury beyond compare coupled with a stunning view of the Potomac but all Quinn has eyes for is Rachel.

She had dreamed of this countless of times but every single dream paled in comparison to this exact moment as Rachel turns around, her arms pulling Quinn close as their lips connect again. She feels Rachel's hands tug backwards at her jacket while her own find the hidden zipper at the side of the green dress.

Their semi state of undress not stopping their momentum as Quinn guides Rachael backwards towards one of the rooms, not caring which one as long as she could see a bed. She's completely focused on the diva before her, wanting to take her time to explore every curve and plane of her body yet needing to escalate their physical contact as she pulls off her shirt, buttons scattering everywhere.

Rachel feels the back of her knees collide with the bed but is too distracted by Quinn's removal of her shirt that she quickly steps out of her dress, pulling Quinn on top of her and sinking back into the mattress.

Six years of need expelled in one amazing night, hours spent exploring with fingers and tongues, beautiful words whispered in the darkness, as their bodies entwined, limbs indistinguishable, seemingly fused. Promises not made or articulated but shown with every touch and caress as they finally came together for the very first time.

Quinn's feels Rachel's body curled into hers, her arms encircling the diminutive singer as Rachel's head rest beneath her chin. She does not ever want to let go but she realizes that she only has two days left of her R&R and she would then have to leave Rachel again. Except at least this time, she would hopefully get the chance to say good bye in person.

The problem though wasn't that she was going to leave in two days but the fact that she still needed to apologize for what happened six years ago and admit to Rachel that she had been responsible for their attack. She had tried so hard to be brave but sleeping with Rachel before coming clean was yet more proof of how cowardly she really was.

Quinn hears Rachel sigh in her arms and realizes that for once, she had to do the right thing even if it meant ruining the only thing in her life that made perfect sense. The past would always haunt her unless she made up for it the only way she knew how. She would need to tell Rachel the truth and damn the consequences. The short amount of time spent in the brunette's presence would have to be enough to last Quinn for her lifetime.

**End Part 4**


	5. Chapter 5

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**Five Years Ago**

Rachel could never forget the anniversary of the attack even if she lost her memory as the experience was scorched into her soul such that it could never be erased. It was doubly hard to remember the attack but also to have to testify at the trial at the same time but she would survive it like she survived the assault. She was alone but she didn't feel it as even if Quinn wasn't with her physically, the blond was always on her mind.

She should have been happy that her initial testimony had been enough to get Azimio and Karofsky arrested but the delays and subsequent investigation had taken so long such that a full year had passed. A year in which she had spent the better part of it looking for Quinn in every street she walked and every face she encountered, but to no avail.

Such that, in the end, she knew deep down that Quinn wasn't even in the same country any longer, that she had meant every word she had written in the last note and in that respect, had fulfilled what Jesse had wanted to do.

Sitting in court looking at the men who attacked her had taken some courage but not as much as finally admitting to herself that Quinn wasn't coming back, that her savior had chosen to honor Jesse's memory in her own way.

The defense had used all the tactics in the book to make it seem like the attack had been provoked, calling into question her sobriety and Jesse's violent tendencies but she had focused on telling the truth, hoping that it would be enough. However, she could not deny she had been unconscious and didn't see them kill Jesse so she could only talk about the attack on her person. In the end, they couldn't find the weapons used and the four men could only be convicted on charges of voluntary manslaughter and grievous hurt but at least they were all sentenced to prison.

The day the trial ended was the day she vowed to honor both Jesse and Quinn the only way she knew how. She needed to live her own life and to follow her own dream because it meant that even if she didn't know where Quinn was, her star would shine so brightly that hopefully Quinn would know where she was.

One of her subsequent roles off off Broadway finally turned into a show on Broadway and soon after, she signed a record deal. Her plan so close to her initial dreams but always still feeling out of place like she never really fit.

She could never pinpoint what exactly felt wrong and the only time it felt remotely right was when she agreed to do her first USO concert. She always avoided thinking directly about Quinn even as she kept her letter with her at all times.

But the first time she walked on stage at the base in Germany, looking out at the sea of faces before her, finally made her confront the fact that she had been searching for Quinn all along. Hoping that their paths would cross, needing to know that somewhere out there, there was a heart that beat in tandem with her own.

Later that night, she got the letter Q tattooed over her heart.

#$#$#$#

Quinn always loved to fly, the feeling of leaving the ground almost akin to a religious experience in her mind. Doing it in the heat of battle just added another dimension that took her mind off everything that she had done wrong in the past, hoping that what she was doing now would somehow make up for her mistakes.

She regretted leaving Rachel and she regretted not going back for the trial even more. However, she knew that her testimony hadn't been necessary as Rachel had been able to identify her assailants even through the savagery of the attack. She had been angry to read that they had got away with lighter sentences because Jesse had hit one of them earlier at the bar and Rachel never saw them kill him.

She wished she had been there for Rachel, holding onto her hand, supporting her. Only, she had made her choice and needed to stick to it.

It was a punishment of sorts that she deemed necessary, staying away from Rachel, a penance, for not doing the right thing when she had the chance. In her mind, she didn't want to taint Rachel, knowing that the brunette was slowly rebuilding her life.

She still scoured the newspapers for any mention of the would be star, keeping every article, buying any magazine with even a hint of mention of Rachel Berry. The day she read about Rachel's Broadway debut kept a smile on her face despite three sorties into enemy territory.

The flyer announcing Rachel's concert in Germany had cost her, her entire chocolate stash but it had been worth it to see Rachel's picture and name in print. But Quinn still couldn't find the courage to go and see her in person knowing that if she did, she would not have the courage to leave so she stayed away.

#$#$#$#

**The Present**

Rachel feels safe for the first time in years, sated, complete and absolutely at peace. She does not want to move for fear that it would all be a dream and she wasn't really safely ensconced in Quinn's loving arms. But there are still so many questions in her head, about Quinn and why she never came back to the hospital or why she had felt so guilty that she felt the need to make up for Jesse's untimely death.

She slowly traces the scar on Quinn's hand as he eyes trail down to the other scar around her knee, so many questions warring for answers in her mind. About the physical scars they both share as well as hoping that Quinn didn't have the same emotinal scars she did. She wants to know how badly had Quinn been hurt and did it still twinge with pain like her own scar did, every now and then. However, she knows that one question needs to be asked more than any other.

"Why did you leave?" The question is out before she can lose her courage and take it back. She feels Quinn's body stiffen at her words but her arms still encircle her and Rachel holds her breath.

It's a question for which she actually has an answer for but Quinn knows that if she does give it, she'll lose Rachel and after last night, she wonders if she can survive the loss. However, she's always prided herself in being able to be honest and trying to do the right thing. Quinn knows she has to tell Rachel the truth as she leans in for one last kiss before she untangles herself from Rachel's warm body and stands before her.

"I didn't call the police that night." She can't bear to look at Rachel and instead concentrates on sunlight glinting through the window, the shadow play on the carpet still not enough to fully occupy her thoughts but a good distraction nonetheless. "I didn't want to have to close the club, so we…so I decided to just throw those jerks out." Quinn turns her body away, already trying to distance herself as she valiantly struggles to control her voice.

She can recall in excruciating details the subsequent hours where all she could think about was if Rachel was still alive and knows that Rachel's own memories were worse; all because she hadn't wanted to do the right thing then. Quinn feels Rachel's hand take hers and she almost jerks away, not wanting the comfort it immediately brings.

But Rachel is nothing if not persistent and she holds on tight, catching Quinn's downcast eyes, for once, she's happy with her short stature. "You didn't ambush us either or hold the knife against my stomach." Her words are softly spoken even as she tries not to recall the visceral memory but to no avail as her free hand goes to her scar underneath the thin camisole.

Quinn sees Rachel's hand move as her eyes become unfocused and she recognizes the look all too easily. A look that betrays the steady voice and calm external demeanor because the eyes always show just how broken the person really is. And even though she can drown in the pool of chocolate that is Rachel's eyes, Quinn can see the damage reflected within them and it literally hurts her as well. So she does the only thing she can as she reaches out and pulls Rachel towards her. Their bodies melding together, like pieces of a puzzle that have always fit together but never given the chance to do so.

All Rachel feels is the warmth of Quinn's body as she slowly comes back from the darkness that was threatening to overwhelm her, realizing that Quinn had also been affected by the attack. "You're not to blame." She feels Quinn pull back at her words and shake her head as if vehemently disagreeing with her words although she cannot understand why.

"But you saved me." Her words infused with such sureness of the statement that she just knows Quinn will be convinced because she really had saved her. Even though she hadn't been there in the aftermath, it had been Quinn's voice and her presence as Rachel laid bleeding on the ground that anchored her and made her want to live.

Quinn had to know that as Rachel does not let go, her hand still holding onto Quinn's as she lets her words sink into the mire of Quinn's guilt, hoping that she got through as Quinn had to her, all those years ago. Quinn didn't have anything to be guilty of and Rachel finally understood why Quinn had run away from her six years ago and finally at the party yesterday.

"How could you not realize that you saved me in that alley way." Rachel smiles even as her eyes shine bright with unshed tears as she sees the wonder of her words as they wash over Quinn.

All she can assimilate is the time she had wasted not touching Rachel or holding her or offering comfort. Her guilt still in hovering like a specter but Rachel's words dispelling a huge part of it. "You got hurt because I didn't call the police." She needs to say it out loud, to make Rachel understand that she has never taken it lightly.

"No, sweetheart, I got hurt because four cowardly men thought they needed to beat the gay out of me and Je…out of us." She still can't say his name but at least she's able to set the record straight even as she mourns what could have been.

This time, it's Rachel who reaches for Quinn, pulling her forward towards the bed, needing to feel something, anything that would finally erase every last vestige of the past wanting to start anew because they had lost so much time in between.

#$#$#$#

Day turned back into night and they spent it together, exploring the map of each others' bodies. Quinn taking her time to memorize every plane of curve of Rachel's, her hands roaming and touching, her entire being focused solely on Rachel.

"You're perfect." She had not come to the conclusion lightly, instead she had deduced it empirically, studying Rachel under her watchful gaze and noting that she's never come across such beauty and light. Her head is pillowed on Rachel's stomach as her hand draws lazy circles along Rachel's waist.

"Where did you get the alcohol?" Rachel smiles at Quinn's words, thinking the exact same thing but with regards to the blond currently lying on her. Now that they've managed to reconnect, she cannot imagine not having Quinn in her life, by her side but she still knows next to nothing about Quinn's life or her career.

"I am drunk on you." It feels like that to Quinn but as she glances at the clock on the side table, the sobering thought that she would have to leave soon almost makes her cry.

"When do you have to leave?" It's the inevitability of her life to lose things most precious to her. When she was five, Rachel lost the first singing trophy she had ever won when they had moved from the south side of Lima to central Lima. At sixteen, she had been devastated to lose Nationals to Vocal Adrenaline but in hindsight, it had brought Jesse into her life and for that, she hadn't regretted the loss as much.

She had nearly come undone when she lost Jesse and Quinn from her life and right now, she does not want to envision not having Quinn around. However, she looks down at Quinn's uniform scattered around her room and realizes that she had commitments that were bigger than the two of them. "Where are you stationed?" The tremor in her voice on her second question highlights the fear that grips her as she realizes that Quinn would be in active service.

She had learnt to recognize the ribbons and insignias and she had noted Quinn's colorful ribbons, indicating that she was in active combat.

Quinn is cognizant that she cannot share too much but she knows that she has to commit to Rachel. They had lost so much time and despite the distance between them, their coming together was the only thing that made sense in her head in the past six years. "I have to fly back tomorrow at 0900 hours."

She sees Rachel nod at her words, her expression falling as she realizes that they have less than twelve hours to spend together. "I'm stationed in Afghanistan." The naked fear on Rachel's face does affect her but Quinn has knows that she has finally found something and someone to come back to.

"This…" Quinn reaches for Rachel's hand, holding it tightly against her heart, "This mean everything to me. It's something I want to come back to. I have six months left on my tour." She had always intended to re-enlist because she never had anything else to look forward to until now.

Rachel can feel Quinn's heartbeat, instinctively, knowing it beat in time with her own. "Promise me." She needs Quinn to explicitly say the words. "Promise me you'll come back. Not try to but really come back….to me."She had lived on hope and prayers for the past six years, always trusting that fate would intervene and Quinn was meant to be in her life eventually. But right now, she needs Quinn to say the words, to commit to a future together.

She wants so badly to promise the world to Rachel, to tell her that she means more to her than life itself. However, she's seen so many comrades fall in the line of fire that she knows it's impossible to make such a pledge but still, she knows that she needs to profess her wish. "You are my life." Quinn brushes Rachel's cheek, reveling in the ability to physically connect with her."I will do everything in my power to come back to you."

Rachel shivers at the words and she does not know if it's a premonition of things to come or something to look forward to but in her heart, she prays that the timing for the both of them is finally aligned as she pulls Quinn towards her, wanting to make full use of the short time they had left.

**End Part 5**


	6. Chapter 6

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**The Present**

Time has always been relative and Rachel is finally painfully aware of how prescient that statement actually was. She could always remember waiting endless hours, years even to finally make it on Broadway and likewise, waiting forever to see Quinn again.

The three days they had together, had gone by in a blink even as she could recall each caress and kiss in such great detail, because of the hours spent learning about each other again. How Quinn's eyes stared in wonder at the Q tattooed over her heart, Quinn's fingers lightly tracing the letter. Their shared smile when Quinn then gently raised her arm to show her a cursive R tattoed on the inside of it. Ink that tied them together, proving that even when they had not been in each other's lives, they were always in each other's thoughts.

Except now, a week had passed since she drove Quinn to the base for her flight back. Rachel had cried the whole way, the tears streaming down her face but she didn't care about paparazzi hiding in the bushes or taking pictures from afar. People were staring but all she could think about was not having Quinn physically with her even if she knew that she would always carry Quinn in her heart..

She had only stopped because she could see Quinn's shoulders slump the closer she got to the highway exit and she could not bear to see Quinn cry. To be able to actually say farewell was a gift that she never had six year ago but it was also torture to know that even as they had found each other again, timing was still just not right for them.

Rachel ignored all the looks she got when she exited the car, holding onto Quinn's arm as if she needed it to live and in essence, it did really feel like that. She didn't care that her eyes were puffy and her hair was in a messy ponytail or that she was in Quinn's fleece, the one she had snagged when she accompanied Quinn back to her own hotel room to pack.

All Rachel could focus on was the ticking seconds going by, each one taking her a step closer to not having Quinn in her life and knowing she was helpless to do anything about it. In the end, they had just held onto each other, not saying anything until the very end. She wasn't expecting the gesture but Quinn was always one to surprise her.

It was serendipity of sorts, cameras seemed to be at the ready so when Quinn pulled her in, their arms encircling each other, their lips meeting as if for the first time, she had closed her eyes but could register the flashes from various cameras surrounding them.

The picture captured in time, a symbol of their love and a rallying point for others to emulate. It had made most of the local papers which led to her manager calling and giving her a earful now.

She can hear him over the phone going over the pros and cons of finally confirming her sexuality but cannot really concentrate on any of his words apart from amazing love story and a smoking hot photo. She voices her agreement every now and then to some of his statements as he tries to get the full story out of her.

However, her mind is still focused her memories of the past few days and of saying good bye to Quinn. She hadn't expected any promises but had hoped for something and Quinn had not disappointed her in the least. Her final words echoing her earlier ones, a promise to do her utmost to come back to her. It would never be enough to set her mind at ease but at least it was something to hold onto.

"So do you want to confirm the story or not? You can't buy publicity like this, I mean meeting after six years and always pining for each other. I knew you had something like this in lurking in your closet, pardon my pun, but how could you keep this from me, Rach? I mean I had to read about it in the papers for god's sake."

It's the diminution usage of her name that finally grabs her attention because it's such a Jesse thing that she immediately feels the added sense of loss that has haunted her for so long. "I haven't been hiding it, I just didn't think it needed to be publicized. Not everything should be for public consumption." Even as she says the words, she can picture him rolling his eyes at her.

"Come on sweetie, everything you do is for public consumption. Don't ever think otherwise and you love the spotlight." Kurt had managed Rachel's career from the start. He had recognized her talent almost immediately and for the first year, had worked for free. They had gone to UCLA together and he knew even then that Rachel had been special. He remembered having a crush on Jesse and coveting Rachel's talent in equal measure. In the end, Jesse had died before his time and all the both of them had left, was Rachael's talent. And she didn't disappoint him. His most recent cut of her earnings enabling him to buy the penthouse in Manhattan he had been eyeing.

He always knew that she had been looking for Quinn Fabray and for once was happy that he finally had a hand in making it happen even it took five years.

Rachel smiles at his words and acknowledges that it wasn't a false statement but she had never needed to think about someone else in her life and right now, it seemed so trivial, her work and publicity needs in comparison to what Quinn was trying to accomplish. She felt almost guilty for being safe compared to wherever Quinn was right now.

#$#$#$#$

Quinn never minded the extreme weather she had to endure from dawn to dusk, where the biting coldness of the morning heated to mid afternoon such that she could see the heat rising from the sand. But everything looked and felt different since she came back from Washington and she knows it has all to do with Rachel.

She can feel her close despite knowing that the diva was thousands of miles away. It was like having a guardian angel with her and for the first time in years, she managed to sleep through the night for the fourth time in a row, her streak starting from her first night together with Rachel.

"Hey, Fabray, General wants to see you. And can I just say ..Well done." Tommy holds up the picture of her kissing Rachel. She had been mildly surprised that they already had copies pasted all over the base when she touched down. She looks at his raised fist and blushes at his expression but she does not leave him hanging, knowing that he's actually congratulating her.

She bumps his fist and smiles as he whoops. "She is one hot piece of.."

"Don't finish that sentence. For the love of God, I don't want to have to hurt you." Her words are said with a smirk but she does mean them as her eyes narrow. Sergeant Tommy Riley was her gunnery sergeant who not only ensured all her weapons on her bird was in top condition but he also trained her when she first got in country.

He probably saved her life in more ways than one but she couldn't really let him finish the sentence and she's thankful when he doesn't. Although as she walks away towards the General's quarters, she does hear him whistle one of Rachel's songs.

General Sue Sylvester was career military and saw everything in black and white. The military her only family and Quinn was like the daughter she never chose but knew she wanted. It was the reason she gave the young officer a hard time. Captain Quinn Fabray reminded her of herself, her perseverance in the face of adversity and more importantly, her dedication to the corps.

So she had been incredibly surprised to see the picture and the story appear in the newspapers last week. Truth be told, it had been her fault. The enquiry four years ago had piqued her interest and she had the memory of an elephant on memory retention drugs. She had a huge hand in getting Quinn that invitation to the dinner in Washington and knew that this exact scenario was always a possibility. In the end, she had weighed all the pros and cons and knew that it had been time for Quinn to go.

However, what was incredibly surprising was for Quinn to show such emotions especially in public as it was just so out of character. She needed her best pilot and she knew what would get Quinn's head back in the game. She looks up to see her standing at the door and General Sylvester has always been focused in her execution as she leans back in her chair and removes her reading glasses.

"Captain Fabray." The smile on Quinn's face surprises her but Sue Sylvester can't help but realize that it does belong there. "We have new intelligence on the location of a new Opium plantation, the size of which would put my granddaddy's tobacco fields to shame."

Quinn lowers her head to hide the wider smile she has at the General's words. She had always been one of the most flamboyant characters she had come across but in the end, she would follow General Sylvester into any battle.

"How accurate is the intel?" She's committed to serve her country knowing that destroying the poppy fields would stop the flow of money that funds the Taliban.

"As accurate as a one eyed left handed knife thrower hitting a target two feet away." It's her tone that sells it as oppose to her actual words and Quinn can't deny that General Sue Sylvester was a master strategist. "Mission flight is at 0400. Get some sleep and we'll have the final briefing at 0100."

Quinn salutes before turning and leaving the office, already planning to grab something in the mess before bunking down, hoping to dream of Rachel.

#$#$#$#

**4 Years Ago**

She jerks awake as her bleary eyes adjust to the red light numbers on the clock by her bed. Only two hours had passed since her head hit the pillow but Quinn knows that she'll not fall back to sleep anytime soon.

The vestiges of her nightmare were still fresh in her mind, the feel of Rachel's cold body in her arms and the thick slickness of her blood as it seeped into the ground. Quinn wants to close her eyes but the images were branded into her mind and she knows that she'll not be able to sleep tonight.

The sky was clear, the stars twinkling in the distance and it's the only beautiful thing she has seen in the year she has been stationed here. The only other competing thing of beauty was the poster that Private First Class Wong had pasted on the inner wall of building six. She had seen it last month, Rachel Berry's face smiling back at her and it had taken all her will power not to tear it off the wall and take it back to her quarters. It was the smile that got to her, it was hopeful and expectant but with a tinge of uncertainty as if Rachel was looking directly into her innermost thoughts.

It's her talisman of sorts, walking by the poster when she's had a bad day or had to remind herself of why she still needed to make amends. It takes her five minutes to reach the building, slipping through the door and turning right, the poster in all its full glory finally in front of her.

She stares at it for ten minutes, timing herself because she cannot stand there forever even if she felt like it. As Quinn turns to leave, the corner of her eye catches a small bluish mark only partially covered by the deep V neck sweater Rachel was wearing in the picture. It could have been a printing anomaly but to Quinn, it was something over Rachel's heart that she hoped meant something.

#$#$#$#

"It would help if you smiled. Think of the millions of teenage boys who will hang this picture on their room walls or in their lockers." Kurt sighs as he sees Rachel half-heartedly toss her hair and stare into the camera.

He sees the photographer shakes his head and knows that if he can't get the shot he needs, Rachel will lose her chance to be on the cover of Rolling Stone. He hates doing this but he also knows it's the only thing that would probably work as he walks towards Rachel.

His hand pulls at her sweater as she looks up at him, her expression curious before looking down as he gives the sweater another tug, partially revealing her tattoo. "What are you.."She does not get a chance to finish the question as Kurt calls for the photographer to get ready before looking at her as he says his next words.

"Rachel, listen to me and picture Quinn walking through those doors right now and smile." It's the way Kurt says her name that spurs Rachel on as her sense memory takes over and she smiles wishing with all her heart that his words rang true.

She does not register the flash, her hand finally touching the Q over her heart as she hears the photographer call it a day. She blinks as she stares at Kurt unsurprised to see him looking guilty. He had no right to use Quinn's name although she cannot bring herself to yell at him, seeing that he already had the decency to look sorry.

"You left me no choice." He tilts his head to one side, trying to gauge how angry she is with him. "You wanted this, wanted to be famous so she'll know where you are even if you didn't know where she is. The cover of Rolling Stone is iconic, trust me."

Rachel's hand is still touching her heart and she realizes that Kurt is right. Even f she didn't know where Quinn was, perhaps the picture would eventually remind Quinn who she was and Quinn would seek her out. Maybe she was being a hopeless romantic but she didn't care as long as there was a shred of possibility of it happening, she wouldn't give up.

She finally nods and smiles at Kurt, holding out her hand to him as he walked her back to the dressing rooms.

**End Part 6**


	7. Chapter 7

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**4 Years Ago**

Kurt Hummel was extremely self aware of all of his short comings and strengths. He was an extremely great judge of the next big thing in fashion, he had an amazing falsetto and he could read Rachel Berry like the back of his hand. It was his last skill that gave him the most problems because he could see that she was slowly cutting herself off from the idea of any relationship with anyone other than the mysterious Quinn Fabray. And to be perfectly honest, he's not sure if that could ever happen, not that he could ever broach that subject with her, at least not yet.

He knows something about the night Jesse had died. He had been at the hospital with the rest of their small circle of friends and subsequently had found out bits and pieces from Rachel. How she had met Quinn who had disappeared soon after and how she felt that they had a special connection. Rachel had viewed their meeting as fate playing a hand and as the months passed, had ascribed meeting Quinn again as a certainty in her life.

She truly believed that the woman she met for just one night two years ago would eventually come back into her life and because of it, she never looked at anyone else or even considered that Quinn may not want to see her or worse wasn't able to.

For all her faults, Rachel Berry was truly a good person who deserved everything she had accomplished in her career and more. Kurt wanted to see her happy, not the false sense of contentment she was projecting but to be really truly happy and he knew that the only way that was going to happen would be to find Quinn Fabray or to confirm that she could never be found.

He's not reluctant to make the call, knowing that his dad would be glad to hear from him but he also realizes that his step mom and step brother would have to confront old memories if he asked for their help. Kurt looks at the negatives of the pictures taken yesterday, seeing Rachel's entrenched sadness coming through in a number of them finally spurring him to dial the number.

"Hey Carol, yeah I'm good. New York is treating me really well. No, I didn't call to talk to Dad. Actually I wanted to talk to you." He pauses to hear her answers and her usual segue informing him of how Finn was doing in the minor leagues. It's a full ten minutes later that she finally pauses to ask him what he needs and he still is unsure whether he should ask but he does it anyway.

"I need you help and I'm sorry to ask this but I need to get information on someone in the military. I have her name, age and branch of service but that's all." He holds his breath as he strains to hear Carol's reply. Her words are softer than their initial conversation but she comes through.

"Thank you." His words are sincere, especially knowing that she's doing this despite the old wounds it may open up for her. He loved his mother and thought that no one could ever replace her and he had been wrong. Carol wasn't like his mother but she managed to be his mom nonetheless. He just hoped that it would be worth it in the end.

#$#$#$#$

Lieutenant General Sue Sylvester looks at the maps on her walls, trying to gauge the best possible point of attack, her mind already working out the different scenarios in her head as she reviews the list of soldiers recently injured under her command. Her finger trails down the list of names stopping at one Lt. Quinn Fabray.

The young officer had made a name for herself, volunteering for missions every chance she got which initially made her suspect that the girl had a danger fetish of some kind. Only Lt. Fabray was meticulous in her preparation and execution. She was a natural leader and kind of reminded Sue of a younger version of herself except with slightly less spit and polish.

Despite all that she still wasn't sure if she wanted to include the young lieutenant for the big attack surge coming up. "Corporal Pierce." She looks up to see the Corporal rush in, ready to carry out her order. "I need you to check up on Lieutenant Fabray. Report shows her injuries are minor, first degree burns on her legs and a grazed bullet wound on her right hand. I want to know if she's ready to do more."

Brittany nods and salutes smartly, immediately understanding that the General needed to make a quick decision, "I'll get right on it, Lieutenant General, ma'am." She rushes out to the infirmary snagging the lieutenant's file to read along the way.

It's only then that Sue finally notices the fax at the bottom of the pile, a weird coincidence if she believed in them as Quinn Fabray's name pops out yet again. This time a general inquiry from a retired Sergeant Major requesting for any information on a pilot named Quinn Fabray. It's definitely an unorthodox request and it piques her interest as she sends a short email back confirming no such person but requesting for the background to the enquiry.

Protecting her country, the value of the corps and those under her has always been her focus and she will not give Quinn Fabray's location away unless she understood what was at stake.

#$#$#$#

Her hand hurts and she knows that there will be a scar but her injuries are so minor compared to those who had been on the ground. Her mission had been to provide air cover as the ground troops advanced their position. She had been flying relatively lowdown when her gunner had been shot, the strafe of gun fire lighting the night sky such that she could see the expressions on some of the soldiers on the ground.

She knew two things right then. The first was she needed to complete her mission and the second was that she needed to stay alive as she pictured Rachel's face. She wasn't dreaming of happily ever after but of working up the courage to make amends and eventually ask for forgiveness.

Quinn looks down at the angry red mark on her palm, realizing that it will always be a physical reminder of the recent battle and wonders if Rachel's scar brings back the bad memories of that night for her. She prays that it does not but even without a scar to remind her, Quinn has never been able to sleep through the night since it happened so she cannot expect Rachel to emerge unscathed by the experience no matter how much she wishes otherwise.

She has to make a decision soon, to re-up or go back to civilian life. To be honest, she had been waiting for a sign, something to indicate that there was more out there for her, wishing that somehow Rachel would reach out to her in some way, dreaming about it. Only she knows nothing of that sort could occur.

"Lieutenant Fabray?" The corporal asking the question was Lt Gen Sylvester's aide and Quinn sighs before responding.

"Yes" Perhaps this was the sign she had been waiting for all along. The corps truly providing her a sense of belonging and duty because she really didn't have anything or anyone else needing her.

#$#$#$#$

**The Present**

Rachel has three different news channels up on her sixty inch tv, the sound muted because she cannot bear to hear about the new number of casualties or the suicide bombings. But she also cannot bear to not witness the reality of Quinn's position.

The statistics on screen, a somber reminder of the toll of an active war on the country but more importantly, Rachel understands that behind each number is a story like hers and Quinn's of loved ones left behind praying and hoping for the best while preparing for the worse.

She has faith though because they had already lost so much time and opportunities that it would seem wrong if anything were to happen. However, her hand instinctively goes to her abdomen as she fingers the scar there and remembers Jesse and how he had died before his time.

She cannot envision losing Quinn again but it's never been in her remit to ensure it didn't happen. She just had to trust that Quinn meant every word that day at the hanger and would come back to her.

It's only when she sees the picture of her and Quinn flash on the screen does she raise the volume, catching the reporter's words. Like all the other reports, they start with her meteoric career rise and then talk about Quinn's career and how she had spent the last six years serving the country and risking her life. It's when they get to the speculation as to how they met does she pay close attention, wondering if anyone had managed to get the real story.

The mugshots of Azimio and Karofsky suddenly fill her screen, such that she takes a step back, her face turning away from the tv even as she hears the words describe the attack and the unfortunate death resulting from it. No mention of Jesse or his accomplishments because he never had a chance to fulfill his hopes and dreams.

However, it's the subsequent story that grabs her attention as she tries to process the words, her mind already spinning as she rushes to the bathroom, retching loudly into the bowl. The newscaster's voice still carries, "…eligible for parole for good behavior and to ease the overcrowded prisons in the State of California…"

She feels lightheaded and knows that she's seconds away from passing out only she hears her phone ringing. She prays that by some miracle it's Quinn and it's that thought that propels her forward as she blindly grabs for the receiver on the wall.

"Hello", her tentative voice overlaps with Kurt's frantic one, as he immediately goes into a diatribe "Rach, I'm so sorry, I didn't know until an hour ago. I've called your lawyers. We're going to appeal, get the press on our side and we will stop it. Don't worry, I'm on this." Kurt was already writing the email and he had Rachel's personal lawyers already on hold on his cell. He strains to hear Rachel's voice. "Rach?"

She does not know what to think or how to react really, she had been dreaming about her second chance with Quinn, not expecting that perhaps she had to face all of her past in order to move forward. "I'm here and I'd love to say I am fine but I'm really not. I know you're going to do everything you can to prevent this travesty of justice from occurring but right now…I…right now I just need to talk to Quinn."

Kurt expects as much, "She's waiting for your call. I couldn't talk directly to her but I got her a message and she's still at base and expecting your call." He had called in the biggest favor he had, ignoring the fact that General Sylvester always asked for more than anyone could give. Rachel was his client but more importantly, she was his friend and he was willing to do anything to protect her considering he had found Quinn's location more than three years ago and kept it from Rachel.

He closes his eyes when he hears the relief and gratitude in Rachel's voice. She had gone through so much that his decisions were always meant to protect so he tells himself as he hears her thanks over the phone. He prays that his decisions now more than make up for the past.

#$#$#$#

The static over the line is bad but Quinn can recognize Rachel's mellifluous voice anywhere. It's the hint of underlying fear and uncertainty that worries her. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" She had just come back from the final briefing for the mission in a few hours and had been surprised when the General told her she was about to receive a personal call and to make herself available for it.

Her mind immediately thinking of Rachel and hoping that nothing untoward had occurred and knowing she couldn't think of anything else until she took the call. Just hearing Rachel's tone as she greeted her and told her how much she missed her was enough for her to detect that something was indeed wrong as she hears Rachel sigh at her question.

"It was on the news that the…."Rachel pauses as she tries to picture Quinn in her mind, the thought calming her enough to continue, "The men who attacked Jesse and me, they're being released from prison." Saying it out loud finally brings her fear to the forefront as she starts to shake only to hear Quinn's voice through the static, strong and sure.

"You're going to be fine. Rachel, I love you and I'm going to help you but you need to know that we'll get through this, ok?" She does not know how or what she needs to do but Quinn recognizes that she has to do something and makes the promise to Rachel.

"Ok." Rachel nods even though Quinn can't see her. "We'll get through this." the reiterated words strengthening her resolve, as she understands that she is not alone anymore. "I love you. Be safe." The words spoken are heartfelt even over the distance and bad connection as her hand touched her heart.

This time Quinn nods as well, her hand placement mirroring Rachel's. "I love you too and I'll try and call you tomorrow. The weather's getting pretty bad but I'll try." She says her good bye before getting ready for her mission.

**End Part 7**


	8. Chapter 8

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**3 years ago**

All she feels is pain, every time she takes a breath, her nerve endings seemingly on fire and she struggles to open her eyes, blinking at the harsh light that assaults her when she finally manages to do so. Harsh white walls and the strong antiseptic smell greet her and she realizes she's in the hospital, most probably in Bagram.

Her mind is a blank as she tries so hard to recall what had occurred but all she can remember was attending the mission briefing chaired by Lt Gen Sylvester, then thinking about Rachel and then blinding pain before she passed out. She feels dislocated, lost.

"Lieutenant Fabray, you're awake." The cheery voice of the nurse does nothing to assuage her mood. "I need to take your vitals and the doctor should be over to talk about your condition. You're quite the hero around here. The guys will be happy to know you're conscious." Quinn stares blankly at her, not knowing how to react to the words but realizing that the nurse is waiting for a response of some kind.

"What happened?"

"Your helicopter crashed in the mountains. Reports said you were providing cover for a ground assault and took a hit but instead of flying back, you crashed into the insurgents attacking the ground troops." She didn't believe the story when the reports first trickled in. But then the field medics had arrived bringing in the first wave of wounded soldiers and she had picked up on fragments of the story, only finally putting it together when they finally brought in the injured pilot.

She learnt how Lt. Fabray had not obeyed her order to fly back to base when her helicopter came under fire, instead continuing her mission in protecting the soldiers on the ground. She had made her co-pilot parachute out before, finally crashing into the mountainside where the shooting was emanating from. "You saved a lot of lives today."

It's what she had promised to do, the reason she had enlisted. It didn't absolve her fully from her guilt because that would entail bringing Jesse back and begging Rachel's forgiveness. However, it did allow her some respite nonetheless. "When can I get out of here?"

Captain Allison Jennings had been a Navy trauma nurse for the past seven years and she had seen her fair share of individuals pass through her ward. So many different types, from people wanting to prove themselves in battle, or those wanting to follow in their parents' footsteps as well as those that were running away or hiding from their past.

It was easy to divine from looking at them, their demeanor and most telling were their eyes. Lt. Fabray's eyes were a clear hazel. Big and expressive such that they could not hide the hurt she was trying to subsume. Not physical hurt even though her injuries were extensive but something deeper, more intense. Guilt overlaid with sadness, all reflecting back through her hazel eyes.

"You have a concussion, bruised ribs, some internal bleeding and your leg's broken. You're going to be our guest for quite some time." She sees Quinn turn away, breaking off eye contact and wonders when her subconscious decided to go on a first name basis with this particular patient but she could feel her protective instincts kick in as she looks down at the soldier; so young yet somehow wracked with guilt.

"My name's Allison but friends call me Ally." She sees Quinn's eyes widen at her words, surprise registering on her face as she looks back at Ally before turning away again. "We're going to be friends and just so you know, I don't give up easily." She does not wait for Quinn's response as she turns to walk away, knowing that it'll take some time.

#$#$#$#$

Kurt never expected to find her at all. He knew he had to try despite the odds of it being like two million to one but deep down, he never expected to find Quinn Fabray or at least find out where she was stationed.

Carol had been an ex Army nurse when she met her first husband. He had stayed on in the military while she decided to stay at home to raise Finn. When he died, she made the conscious effort to keep in touch with his platoon mates. Somehow figuring that it would keep his memory alive in her heart, the same way keeping his lounge chair and clothes did.

When Kurt had asked her to see if somehow she could find out information on a Quinn Fabray, she had told him it was almost impossible unless she had more to go on but she tried regardless because she loved his father and indirectly him as well.

"Kurt? Are you there?" She feels indebted to Kurt for accepting her into his life even when Finn hadn't accepted Burt. "I'm not sure if it's her but there's a Lt. Fabray serving in Afghanistan."

He knows what this information would mean to Rachel considering that she's been searching for years. "That's great news, I mean, thanks so much. Do you think I can get in touch with her somehow?" He's already going over the press releases in his head only to be sidetracked by Carol's next words.

"Kurt, I'm not sure but she's not listed as being on active duty currently." Carol's information was sketchy because it had come fifth-hand from a nurse stationed in Guam. Her son had written to tell her of an incident near his base in Bagram, where he had been stationed and how a young lieutenant had saved the lives of some of his comrades, only to end up hurt or worse.

"I don't understand, what does that mean, not on active duty, I mean is she dead?" Rachel couldn't know, Kurt had firsthand knowledge of how long it had taken Rachel to recover from losing Jesse and even then, the one reason she had not given up completely was because she had been pining for Quinn.

Always believing that eventually they would meet and everything would fall into place. He can only guess how Rachel would react if she found out that Quinn Fabray, the one person in her mind that she loved unconditionally, was possibly dead.

"I don't know, maybe." She wanted to give him good news but as a parent, she cannot keep the truth from him, instead offering him as much comfort as she can. She knows of the story behind the request, how Rachel Berry wanted to find someone who meant a great deal to her and how Rachel meant a great deal to Kurt. "I'm so sorry Kurt, I can find out more, if she really is injured or worse. I'll make more calls."

"No." He couldn't do it, he couldn't do that to Rachel. It would be cruel to tell her he had found Quinn but didn't know if she was alive. It was better to let her live in hope as oppose to confirming what could only be her greatest fear. "It's ok, just leave it with me. I'll do the rest." He needed to protect Rachel even if it meant keeping this from her.

#$#$#$#$

**The Present**

She's whistling a tune she had heard Rachel sing to her, made up lyrics that made her smile as she walked towards the officers' mess with a jaunt in her step. The raid had gone off without a hitch. They had come under fire more than once but the long range missiles attached to her spanking new AH-1Z chopper had done the job twice over. The early morning sky had been lighted by the burning poppy fields and it felt good to accomplish her mission, knowing that indirectly she was saving lives.

The rains were going to start in full force as she hears thunder in the distance but even the dreadful weather cannot ruin her mood. She's still in her body armor and flight suit and all she was looking forward to now was a hot shower and some time to write an email to Rachel. Their call had unsettled her because Rachel had sounded so lost and tentative and so unlike the confident woman she knew her to be. However, she could not deny that the news had been upsetting and Quinn really didn't know what she would do if she ever saw the men who had attacked Rachel. To know that they could walk free relatively soon, initiated all her protective instincts such that all she wanted to do was to fly back and be with Rachel.

But she still had a few more months left and all she could do was to reach out to Rachel, to give her support and ensure that she understood without a doubt that Quinn would be there for her, even if she was physically thousands of miles away, she would keep her promise to Rachel. She would be there for her, protect her and ensure nothing could hurt her. Even if she had to stand guard outside Rachel's door.

"Hey stranger." The arm goes around her shoulders as she turns to acknowledge Ally. "I heard you did great today."

Quinn acknowledges her best friend with a smile, amazed that she had been so persistent despite Quinn's attempts to push her away. It had taken more than two months to get through to her but Ally had persisted, never leaving her alone and volunteering to help her with her rehabilitation for her broken leg. She had been there constantly, always reminding her that she was there as much out of duty as friendship regardless if Quinn wanted it because she knew that Quinn needed it.

"Yeah, it was a good one. How was your day?" Ally was so like her that they could have been twins in another life. Both blond and about the same height but their similarities didn't end there. Both of them were driven by a strict sense of duty and a strong conscience, needing to make a difference or contribute in whatever way possible.

Ally never gave up on her even when she considered giving up when she thought that her leg wouldn't heal properly and she would have to give up flying. She had slumped into a depression, realizing that she had nothing in her life if she couldn't fly. Only, Ally had been there to shout at her and when she found out about Rachel, she had convinced Quinn that she was worth fighting for.

" _Why do you always take the long route to the mess?" It's a question that's been bugging her each time she sees Quinn slowly, painfully make her way for her meals. She had followed her today, finally noting that Quinn would stop by building six before finally making her way to the mess._

_It had been a poster of Rachel Berry that captured her attention, Quinn would stare it at for as long as possible until her leg shook and she knew she had to sit down. "I know you look at that poster every time." There is no judgment in her tone._

_An automatic denial had been on her lips only something had stopped her words, instead she had started to talk, really talk to Ally, telling her about what happened three years ago and about Rachel. In hindsight, it had been the thing that saved her and she always knew that she would try her best to return the favor when the opportunity arose._

"It was good, no one died on my shift and I'm about to report out and fly to Pendleton." She hadn't seen her husband in six months and was so looking forward to meeting him in San Diego. She still can't believe that Quinn had managed to talk General Sylvester into agreeing to allow her to spend two weeks back home. Granted, she had to report into the Base hospital but Will was stationed there and it allowed her to see him even if he couldn't get leave.

Like the sound of overhead aircraft, the sound of gunfire is not unusual but the proximity of the sound is as Quinn drops to the ground almost instantaneously, her hands pulling Ally down as her head swivels around frantically looking for the source. Bullets rain down around them kicking up the sand and stone.

Sand and gravel get in her eyes but she does not cover them, instead trying to see how best to get the both of them to safety. "We need to get behind building two." She shouts above the noise as she tugs on Ally's arm, already in a crouched position, waiting for Ally to follow suit.

She feels the blood before she sees it and it causes her to freeze, her senses assaulted by images from her past melding into the present as she sees Rachel's face morph finally into Ally's. Her eyes are closed and blood is seeping from her shoulder and side. Quinn does not hesitate as she pulls Ally's inert body into a fireman's carry before running a fast as she could towards safety. She does not think about how motionless Ally is or how she can feel her blood coat her hands like Rachel's did, so long ago. All she can think of is to put one foot in front of the other as she makes her way to safety.

She feels the impact of the bullets which drive her to the ground, as she gasps for air, trying to call for help despite the immense pain. She feels the bone and cartilage of her knee give way, pain blinding her such that she cannot see. Strong arms pull at her body and she tries to speak, to ask for help, but there is no need as she sees Tommy's face before her, his voice rough but sounding surprisingly gentle. One hand still holding onto Ally in a vice like like grip even as the other tries to find a pulse.

"Its ok captain, we have her, you can let go." There's so much blood and he's not sure if she's hurt as well as he signals to the other soldiers to give them cover. "I've got you too." Sergeant Riley hopes that they're both fine even as he can see that the nurse wasn't breathing despite Captain Fabray's heroic efforts to save her.

**End Part 8**


	9. Chapter 9

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**2 Years Ago**

"Where is she?" Kurt mouths the question even as he hears the sounds of someone crying in the back of the trailer. He takes a few steps before he sees the first discarded bottle on the floor. Instead of confronting Rachel, he slowly motions to the angry looking latina to follow him as he exits, turning around to immediately question her. "What did you say to her?"

He tries to keep the accusation out of his voice but it flows through. He hated to see Rachel cry and even more when she started drinking like she was doing now. It had become a habit of late, something somehow would set her off. Initially he thought she was cracking under the strain of her career.

However, she loved to perform and sing and it was the only time she looked happy and free. Kurt was beginning to suspect that Rachel was losing hope of finding Quinn and because of it, she would fall into bouts of depression, hiding it from her dads and from him. Except, sometimes, when it got too bad, she would drink to forget, to numb the pain.

There were already a number of reports and photographs of her wasted in some of the tabloids and he had tried his best to contain the stories but people always talked. He wonders if he'll see a picture of Rachel in tomorrow's papers as he stares at the woman, waiting for her answer.

"I didn't say anything. I came to do her makeup and found her like that and called you." There's indignation coloring her tone. She was an award winning makeup artist, not a rank amateur. She was Santana Lopez and Rachel wasn't her first famous client. But she did somewhat like Rachel Berry because she didn't have a diva attitude, and had always been polite. "She was apologizing to Quinn or Jesse?" It hadn't been the most coherent apology but she could pick out the names and the mumbled sorry about a dozen times.

"Who the hell is Quinn?" She recalls a story a couple of years back when Rachel had first made it big, how she had lost her best friend Jesse to a hate crime and how she herself was injured. It was powerful stuff but there had been no mention of a Quinn.

Kurt can't believe he had forgotten the anniversary of the attack. He had been so happy about the three Grammy nominations yesterday that he thought Rachel would be too thrilled to notice anything else. He was a colossal idiot to think that she would not be affected.

"She's…you know, its fine. I'll take care of Rachel. We're canceling her appearance tonight. She's down with a flu bug." He stares at the woman, challenging her to contradict him but she nods instead.

"Whatever you say. Remember to send me my check in the mail." She turns without saying goodbye but stops a few feet away, "Just look out for her, ok?" It wasn't the first time she had encountered a situation where a client of hers ended up drunk but at least Rachel hadn't been belligerent and to be honest, she was more afraid that the singer would hurt herself more than anyone else.

Kurt sighs as he sees her walk away, his phone already out of his pocket. He needs to cancel Rachel's TV interview tonight but more importantly, he knows that he needs to confirm once and for all if Quinn was still alive and if she was, how he could get in contact with her. He hears the voice over the phone and let's out the breath he had been holding.

"Hi Carol, remember your offer to find out about Quinn Fabray?"

#$#$#$#

General Sylvester hates civilians and the only reason she consented to the call was because it had come through military channels. Well ex-military but it still counted in her book. "Brittany, where's your file on one Ms. Rachel Berry."

One thing she had learn the hard way was to always be prepared. In battle, it was the difference between winning and losing and everything was a battle in her mind. Right now, she was battling to save one of her soldiers from being corrupted by a civilian. Lieutenant Fabray was an exemplary soldier with a dangerous job and she most definitely didn't need any distractions especially from alcoholic singers bent on self destruction.

Her mouth twists into a sneer as she glances at the newspaper articles and pictures that had been printed out. She knows that Quinn has a similar file, a much thicker one that she had been keeping for some time. Regardless of the amount of information, she cannot condone such self destructive behavior or let it affect any of her charges.

This wasn't the first time she had received an inquiry as to the whereabouts of Quinn Fabray. It had taken a lot of interrogation and one threatening email about incarceration in Gitmo to finally establish that one Kurt Hummel, manager to Rachel Berry was the one asking about Quinn and he was asking on behalf of his client, who apparently didn't have the guts to find out for herself.

She hadn't done much as the inquiries had stopped when it was established that Quinn had been hurt. She figured that Rachel couldn't handle the horrors and consequence of war and had stopped looking. Only, she received another few calls just last week.

Her first instinct was to shut them down completely but somehow, Quinn seemed to care for this woman, keeping track of her and perhaps eventually, it would be inevitable that they would meet but as of right now, she wasn't going to allow it unless Rachel Berry got her frigging act together.

She takes the call and does not give Hummel any chance to respond as she lays down her demands. No more bad behavior or excessive drinking from Rachel Berry. No more pictures of her passed out in bars and maybe and it was a sliver of a chance of a maybe, she would tell him where Quinn was.

He does not relent initially until he realizes that she's General Sue Sylvester and she was in charge with a capital C. He tries to explain that Rachel was drinking because she missed Quinn but it was stupid and unacceptable reason and she made her view known. If Rachel Berry wasn't strong enough to understand and support people serving their country well then, she wasn't strong enough to meet Captain Quinn Fabray, at least not yet. His last plea doesn't fall on deaf ears though as she finally confirmed that Quinn was alive.

**The Present**

She does not think it strange that Quinn misses their planned call on Wednesday. Rachel is resigned to the fact that Quinn's job, unlike hers does not come with a fixed schedule and things could occur that would prevent her from calling. She has the weather channel switched on and can track the storm at its apex, disrupting telecom signals and air traffic from the north eastern part of the world.

She calls Kurt instead, listening to him expound on the wonders of his new found yoga regiment, anything to take her mind of the missed call. Despite his narcissistic qualities that were actually greater than her own, he could sense her unease. "Rach, however much I like the attention you're giving me, I can sense that I'm not the one you want to talk to right now."

I miss her." It's the first time she's said it out loud and the words resonate within her, making her feel lost and alone. It's not an unfamiliar feeling and she fights the urge to get a drink. She's been sober for over a year now and Kurt had a lot to do with helping her and she doesn't want to go back being that Rachel.

Especially not now that she had finally found Quinn. That Rachel had everything she wanted but not the one person she needed and she never wanted to revert back to her. "Quinn couldn't call tonight. Weather's really awful and she said she'd try but…"

"I'm coming over." His voice is adamant as he stands up, searching for his keys. He's heard that tone in her voice before and does not want her to revert to her previous behavior of drinking to forget. He knows that she's strong but even she had her breaking point. The recent news of Karofsky and the rest and Quinn's missed phone call would test the strongest of people.

"No, I'm.."

Kurt hears her start to protest but he cuts her off. "Rachel Barbra Berry, I am coming over and bringing copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate and the least you can do is say Thank you Kurt."

She's smiling as she thanks him. She knows that she's finally tough enough not to need a crutch of any kind but it would also mean her staying awake, wallowing by herself. Having Kurt there would at least ease her loneliness if not the ache in her heart.

#$#$#$#

Quinn slowly regain consciousness, blinking open her eyes as she adjusts to her surroundings. She sees IV bags and note that her leg's in traction although she does not feel a thing most probably because of the amount of drugs being pumped into her. Quinn surveys her injuries dispassionately, knowing that when the medication was weaned from her system, it would hurt like hell.

She's been in this situation before, same leg, same hospital and its then that she jerks up, looking for Ally, remembering what had transpired. Quinn pulls at the oxygen mask as she calls out.

She sees a doctor rush in, trying to calm her down but all she can get out is Ally's name as she pulls on his sleeve, praying that her memories are unreliable. "Where is she? Captain Jennings, please, Captain Allyson Jennings. I need to know if she's alright."

But the look she gets tells her everything even if he does not say a word. She had carried Ally even though she couldn't feel a pulse, telling herself that she was too preoccupied with dodging the bullets to find it. She does not even realize it but she's been crying ever since she regained consciousness, the tears leaking from her eyes, a flow that does not seem to ebb because she's been holding back for so long.

She does not want to believe that Ally was dead. It couldn't be true because Ally had made plans. She had been so looking forward to finally seeing her husband again. She had wanted to do so much, had planned to retire in San Diego and sail around the world. Her life all mapped out unlike Quinn's. She didn't deserve to not be here, alive and whole.

It was one of the reasons why she had not promised Rachel that she would definitely make it back home, only that she would try her best. Quinn was too scared to make plans because in the end, most of it would be out of her control. She could pray and plan all she liked but all it took was one stray bullet.

It's not a difficult lesson to learn but one that unfortunately needed to be taught repeatedly in that life wasn't supposed to be fair despite being told otherwise. She had been lucky that she was still wearing her body armor when they were attacked. Even then, the bullet to her knee was still a devastating blow.

She sees the doctor adjust the traction for her leg and asks one of the questions that has been hovering in her mind, "Will I be able to walk?" She's already received so much bad news that more would not make a difference. Although the question she wants to ask is will she be able to fly.

"We're not sure. There some nerve and muscle damage. We've brought the swelling down and removed as much of the fragments of bullet and bone we could find. We're monitoring you for infection and compartment syndrome. I'm not going to lie to you but you'll need months of physiotherapy and even then, I'm not really sure." He shakes his head.

Months of physiotherapy awaited her and there was no guarantee that she would walk much less continue to fly. It's then that her thoughts center on Rachel; picturing her smile in her mind's eye, knowing that she had been expecting her call. She regrets that she hadn't been able to keep her promise and call because she had been unconscious in the hospital. That had been beyond her control but right now, she has another promise to fulfill.

She thinks about her promise to Rachel then, and realizes that this was not how it was suppose to be. She couldn't saddle Rachel with her injuries. She had pledged to return whole and safe and right now, she was anything but.

"We'll do the critical surgeries here but you'll be sent to Quantico for your rehabilitation at the Wounded Warrior Regiment. They have doctors and psychologists there who can help and give you support. Is there anyone we should notify?" His voice is gentle even as he delivers news that is bordering devastating to Quinn.

Ally would have helped, she had before only Quinn still had trouble processing that Ally was dead and she was facing the prospect of not walking again. Worse, she needed help psychologically. She couldn't stop crying or even acknowledge that her best friend was dead. There was no way she could expect Rachel to drop everything and help her, look after her.

She couldn't expose Rachel to that, it wasn't right to burden her. Quinn knows that Rachel loves her but that was before. Rachel needed someone she could rely on, someone who wouldn't avoid doing the right thing, someone who would look out for her and not expect to be looked after, someone who wasn't haunted by her past and wrecked with her present. And right now, Quinn wasn't any of those things. Rachel needed someone to protect her from the bad things out there and Quinn couldn't even look after herself.

Quinn convinces herself that Rachel didn't need someone like her and though it hurt, she needed to do the right thing now considering she didn't make the right decision six years ago. Her tears do not stop now because she's mourning the loss of the two people in her life that she wants but cannot have.

**End Pt 9**


	10. Chapter 10

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**1 Year Ago**

Rachel sprints the last few hundred yards, pushing herself even though she knows that no one's timing her. The endorphin rush enough for her to ignore the ache in her muscles. She sees Kurt wave at her from the park bench as she stops in front of it, catching her breath at last.

"How many miles did you do today?" He's proud of her and what she's managed to accomplish in the past twelve months. It hadn't been easy to broach the subject of Quinn Fabray but once he convinced her to not give up, it was easier to get her to take the necessary steps to look after herself.

"Ten miles and I think I could probably do five more…except you arranged for an interview today." Kurt had been a different person the past year, less focused on her career even though he still managed to get her a number of amazing contracts but more importantly focused on getting her healthy and well.

It wasn't easy to admit that she had been wracked with depression and guilt, the only outlet she thought she had was to drink to forget. As long as it didn't interfere with her work, she thought she could get away with it but Kurt didn't let her. To his credit, he had hounded her, threatening to quit and stop booking any work for her.

So she threw herself into getting better, focusing on it the same way she would with any of her musical projects. Working up schedules and timelines, meeting targets and focusing on achieving her goal. To Kurt, it was to get her to stop drinking but in Rachel's mind, it was finally reuniting with Quinn and getting herself well again was just the first step.

"Do you think she'll see the interview?" Regardless of his answer, it was something that she wanted to do. An interview for the American Armed Forces Network, focusing on her life and work as well as her interest in supporting the troops. When Kurt had first raised the possibility, it was the first time she felt real hope about reaching Quinn.

Not in the indirect ways she had been doing but of perhaps being able to almost talk directly to her. All the questions would be pre-screened and she could somehow work a message of sorts into the interview, something Quinn would recognize, something that that would let her know that Rachel was looking for her.

He's debated endlessly of whether to tell her that he knows Quinn will because General Sylvester word was as good as United States currency or at least that's what she had told him repeatedly when she requested for him to arrange for the interview.

Kurt had been skeptical about the idea wanting instead to set up a direct meeting for Quinn and Rachel, expounding that he had held up his end of the bargain. He had argued for over an hour, but she had been relentless, highlighting the fact that Rachel's recovery could have all been faked considering she was a skilled actress and he always sounded like a twelve year old girl.

Not that one had anything to do with the other but it did shut him up for a full thirty seconds. Enough time for the General to deliver her coup de grace.

Quinn's tour was almost up and she needed to make a decision on what she wanted to do. She deserved to see all her options but it was imperative that she did not feel pressured into making any decisions. General Sylvester had argued that meeting Rachel in person would be too much but perhaps seeing an interview, would allow her the space and distance needed to make an informed decision on what she wanted.

Kurt really couldn't argue with the logic or even if he could, he knew that he wouldn't win because General Sylvester was the one controlling all the choices.

"I'm sure of it." He really is although he cannot tell her how or why he had come to that conclusion because if Quinn didn't choose her, he knew that it would break her heart. And all her hard work would be for naught but even worse, he knew that Rachel would just give up and he does not want to imagine what that would entail.

So all he could do was to ensure that Rachel got the chance to show Quinn that she was there, waiting for her. The questions were all prepared, each one leading to the next, revealing Rachel's ascent to fame, just slightly touching on her brush with alcoholism and ending with the fact that she was still looking for that special someone. Someone she had known and with whom she wanted to rekindle the relationship.

It was perfect even if he was biased in thinking so because it had been all his doing but it had to work. "Just be yourself. You're an amazing person, Rachel Berry and if I wasn't gay…" He sees her face fall at his words. "What's wrong?" His arms go around her shoulders as she bows her head, trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes.

"He used to say that." She doesn't have to specify whom she was referring too as she glances up to see Kurt's face also crumple. Jesse had been Kurt's first crush and even though Kurt never built up the courage to do anything, Jesse had always been kind to him. "He wouldn't want us to mourn."

"No, he would have wanted us not to forget but also to celebrate." Kurt needs Rachel to have a happy ending. It was the only thing that would finally make sense. "So what are you going to wear?" He shifts the conversation, not wanting Rachel to cry further and get her eyes too puffy.

#$#$#$#

Quinn's surprised that her flight schedule had been rearranged but it's happened before and the General would always have a damn good reason for it. Besides, it finally gave her some time to think about her future, about what she wanted to do and if she wanted to stay in active service. It wasn't like she had a long list of options and even if she did, she would always rank the corps and her fellow soldiers first.

"Hey, Fabray, I think you should watch this." Ally's voice carries from her quarters. She had hoped that Quinn would arrive on time when she asked to meet her. It had been weird that the Lt. Pierce had cornered her in the hospital asking about a rash her cat seemed to have caught before giving her the week's TV schedule with this show circled. However, when she read the description for the Interview, she had immediately thought of Quinn and knew that regardless of how she came to the information, Quinn needed to watch the show.

"I thought we were going to get something to eat." Quinn runs her hand through her hair as she enters the room, she didn't really need food but it had become habit to be able to eat whenever possible just in case an emergency arose and sustenance became secondary to survival.

She stops short when she recognizes the voice coming from Ally's small TV in the corner of the room.

" _It was difficult, everything seemed so difficult." Rachel's voice is low, as her eyes drift from the interviewer to stare at her hands in her lap._

" _So drinking made it easier?" The question hangs between them, and it looked like Rachel wouldn't answer except she does in the end, her eyes still downcast as if ashamed._

Quinn's mesmerized, seeing Rachel on TV made her seem so close and all her memories of talking to her, hearing her laugh, come flooding back. She walks closer, her hand almost rising to touch the screen but what she really wants to hear is Rachel's answer. She remebers her eyes and the feel of her hair but she also remembers the the sound of Rachel in pain and the feel of her blood on her hands.

" _Yeah, it did." Rachel finally looking up, a look of regret on her face that changes to acceptance with her next words. "I knew that I was so lucky, to have the career I have but…"She does not want to make excuses for her behavior._

" _But, what exactly? Why all the excessive drinking if it wasn't just you wanting to party or to cut loose?" He sees Rachel's manager waving at him off-screen as if to stop his line of questioning and move on to the next question but it felt right and Rachel Berry was a celebrity who chose to live a public life, hence, she would have to also expect the scrutiny that came with it._

" _No." Her voice goes soft as she shakes her head. "I needed to forget, I wanted to not remember some things that happened in my life." The words do not flow out easily, each one stilted, disjointed like she's revealing something she does not want to._

" _What things did you want to forget, Rachel?" He's almost sure, he'll win a local Emmy for this. The warning to stick to the questions long forgotten as he smelled a story far bigger that just scoring a run of the mill interview with Rachel Berry. "What happened that made you drink to forget?"_

" _It happened five years ago. I lost…"How does she describe losing her heart and her best friend all in the same night. She feels the tears roll down her face and wipes them away, accepting the handkerchief offered. How does she express her fervent wish to find the one person who she thinks will make it all ok and not losing faith that it will actually happen . She needs him to ask her that last question, hoping that Quinn is watching._

" _I guess I should get to my last question after we take this commercial break." He knows when he has pushed too far and asking for more information would only make him seem cruel._

Quinn does not need to listen to Rachel's interview any longer as she leans forward to turn off the television. She had read all the stories and cut out all the pictures of Rachel in the last year. Each one showing her in a state of inebriation but never looking happy just incredibly sad and each one nearly broke Quinn.

She wanted to reach out to Rachel, hoping that perhaps she could make a difference and make the beautiful brunette smile like she did all those years ago but the interview confirmed her worse fears. Rachel wanted to forget, she needed to forget what happened five years ago and she didn't need Quinn in her life.

"I'm going to go." Her voice wavers and nearly breaks and she sees Ally looking at her in sympathy. "I need to speak to General Sylvester." It's the easiest decision to make right now. Stay and defend and be a part of something that allowed her to feel like she was making a difference, making amends of some kind. Because she really didn't need to go back to civilian life and ruin somebody else's life like she had Rachel's.

Ally watches her best friend leave, wanting to offer comfort but knowing that nothing she could say would make a difference as she turns to switch on the television again. She's gleaned as much as she could about Rachel Berry from Quinn and perhaps knowing more about the brunette will allow her to help her friend. She hears the question being posed and wonders if it would have helped if Quinn had stayed to hear it but she also realizes that the answer may hurt Quinn further.

" _What are you looking forward to in your future?"He's been told that she has a plea planned. Some message about wanting to re-connect with an old acquaintance and hopefully meet up._

_Rachel looks pensive as she ponders the question. The question is not unexpected as it was the one she knew she needed to answer and Kurt had worked on the answer with her. Only she wants to speak from her heart, not regurgitate a manufactured answer even if it was targeted at Quinn. She needs to say something that Quinn and only Quinn would understand._

" _I'm looking forward to a date I promised someone once because we already had the kiss." Even through the pain, she could remember Quinn's words, holding her to her promise of the date and she would never forget the feel of her lips. She sees Kurt give her a WTF look and she shrugs. She has to think that they have their own private code which only either her or Quinn would be able to decipher._

_She thanks the interviewer despite his pushing the alcoholism angle knowing that he had just been doing his job and in the end, he had backed off. Kurt takes her arm, whispering in her ear, "You did good even if no one stuck to the script."_

_She agrees with his assessment, "If she saw the interview, she would know."_

**The Present**

It's when Quinn does not call for the next two weeks that Rachel begins to panic. She sends emails daily, sometimes three a day but there had been no answer fothcoming. Kurt had to talk her out of flying to Afghanistan. After fourteen days, she thought she should assume the worse only to get an email in response, containing the same four words that she had received six years ago from Quinn. The four words that Quinn had just left her with before disappearing from her life,"I am so sorry."

Only Rachel cannot make sense of because it would mean that Quinn was apologizing for not wanting to talk to her, for possibly not wanting her. She had written back then, pleading for an answer, hoping that Quinn would respond but she didn't. Emails and letter for two weeks before Rachel stopped writing.

She thinks back and regrets calling Quinn about Karofsky's release, coming to terms that her naked fear and overwhelming need would scare anyone and Quinn had her own life to deal with and the most dangerous job.

It hadn't been fair to her to dump her worries on Quinn and in hindsight, Quinn had to deal with life and death situations on a daily basis, her own insecurities paled in comparison. Quinn had been nice enough to at least apologize though it hurt so much to know that she was not wanted. She didn't want to impose herself on Quinn. She had managed to live without Quinn for six years but having had Quinn in her life, she does not know how to live without her any more.

She needed to think, maybe to plan. She was Rachel Barbra Berry after all.

**End Part 10**


	11. Chapter 11

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**3 Months Ago**

"I'm so jealous. Three days back home sounds amazing. Why did General Sylvester agree to it again?" Ally's trying to finish her letter to her husband, always preferring ink to email. It allowed her time to think about what she wanted to say and really had to ensure that the words used were the correct ones. Emails were too transient, easy. Pen and paper showed dedication and patience.

It was another thing that she and Quinn had in common. Except that she actually posted her letters while Quinn kept them tucked away, in her lock box. One or two letters a month, all addressed to Rachel Berry, each filled with Quinn's deepest thoughts and wants but none had been sent. Ally shakes her head as she waits for Quinn's response.

"I'm not really sure but I'm also not going to question it. But its only two and a half days though. I have to attend a State Department Dinner on the General's behalf but still, it'll be a good break. You finished with your letter?"

Ally nods as she signs off with a flourish, "You?"

"Yeah." Quinn places it in an envelope, writing the date and Rachel's name on the front, a little star added behind Rachel's name, before going to her lock box. This letter was an especially difficult one to write. It was thinking about going back home, even for a few days that triggered all her memories, good and bad.

"So…maybe it's time to try posting one of them?" She sees Quinn's eyes go wide at her words as the young pilot vigorously shakes her head. "Why the hell not?"

"Because..she..I.."Quinn can't explain the fear she feels in reaching out to Rachel and getting rejected or worse confirming that Rachel actually hated her. Ally knew all of it but she would never give up trying to convince Quinn that perhaps it was better to know than to just live in fear. She hated seeing Quinn live half a life.

"Ok so let's make a deal. I'll keep this one." She deftly takes the letter from Quinn's hand. "And you think about it not being locked away and get comfortable with the fact that eventually you're going to want to know either way and send a letter." She tucks it into her shirt pocket before Quinn can change her mind.

**#$#$#$#$**

"What's so special about this dinner?" She's bone tired and is looking forward to just sleeping the whole weekend in her apartment in New York before starting to record her next album but Kurt had been so excited about the invitation, immediately coming over to show her the State Department letter and help her pick out a dress.

"They're doing a full vegan menu. Apparently the Secretary of Defense just converted and wants to prove a point." He needs her to be there but cannot tell her why and it kills him. She's losing faith again, not to the point of giving up but he can see the sadness in her eyes every time she sees a happy couple walk hand in hand or when an interviewer asks her about a special someone. However, in the end, he knows that she'll want to be there. If everything finally went according to plan, she would finally get her dream.

He's still so worried that this Quinn Fabray woman would not feel the same way Rachel does. It just seemed so tragic with Jesse dying and he hoped that if Rachel finally met with Quinn, it would not end badly.

She's been living on hope for so long, just a hair's breath away from sliding back into depression that he knows it's unsustainable for her to continue without finding some sort of closure. "This could be the one time." There is hope infused in his voice and he sees her sigh at his words.

"I don't..maybe…ok." Rachel does not understand the relief she sees on Kurt's face. She thinks that he's probably already booked her appearance. She knows Quinn is still out there somewhere and maybe tomorrow night would be the night they would finally meet again.

It's a nice dream to have and something she's been holding onto for so long. The only problem with dreams though was that she would have to let them go at some point just maybe not this week.

"I think I'll wear the green dress."

**#$#$#$#$**

**The Present**

"That's just crazy talk wrapped up in bull and sprinkled with, you have got to be kidding me." Kurt's indignant voice rises as he finishes his tirade over the phone. Rachel's lawyers were really trying their best but even they can't perform the miracle he needs. There was no way that he would expose Rachel to those men but if she wanted them to remain in prison, then he may actually not have a choice.

He fingers the letter in his pocket and wonders if his meddling has been to blame for everything that has gone wrong Rachel's life in the past few years and if he should just stop. The problem was that the letter was from Quinn. It was dated three months ago but it explained so much.

Not why she was ignoring Rachel now but at least the fear she had lived with for so long and her hope for them, a wish for a future together. He does not know what had changed but the person who wrote the letter would always love Rachel Berry and even if she chose stupidly not to be in Rachel's life right now, he knew Rachel deserved to know it all.

He had been surprised to have been sent it and not by Quinn or the General but through the estate of another soldier. Her husband had sent it and Kurt had almost thrown it out thinking it was just another fan letter but the handwriting seemed so familiar as was the impetus to open it. Rachel kept a leeter with her, yellowed with ae but he'd seen it enouh times to recognize Quinn Fabray's handwriting. After reading it, his first thought was to burn it but in the end, the words were meant for Rachel and he knew he needed to give them to her.

He stands outside her apartment, hoping that she's in better shape than how he pictured her when they talked over the phone and she barred him from coming over. He takes a deep breath and inserts the key into the lock.

#$#$#$#

She stares at the green dress, wondering if she should pack it when she hears her front door being unlocked. For a split second, she thinks that it's Quinn until she looks up to see Kurt enter her room.

The TV is switched on to a news channel and her suitcase is opened on the bed, clothes strewn everywhere. She's clad in a fleece that he knows belongs to the blonde. Kurt knows she hasn't left her apartment in four days and he's almost afraid to look in the trash because he does not want to find any empty bottles.

"I'm not drinking." Her voice is low as she finally acknowledges Kurt, reading his features so well and realizing that he was worried about her and about her health. "I can't say I haven't thought about it though." It was a bit of an understatement considering when she wasn't thinking about Quinn, she was thinking of going to the store around the corner to get a bottle of anything alcoholic, even cooking sherry sounded good right now.

The only thing stopping her was hearing Kurt's voice in her head and picturing Quinn smiling at her. She wonders idly if thinking about Kurt made him come over and if it would work with Quinn, except she knows for a fact that Quinn didn't want to call her or see her or be with her. So she had to go to Quinn and she knows he's there to talk her out of going.

"If Quinn…" He sees her flinch when he says the name. "If she does not want to call you, then it's not your fault maybe she's busy and on a super secret mission and could only apologize for missing your calls." He's grasping at straws, having read the email, he got the same feeling Rachel had. Quinn was saying sorry for not wanting to speak to Rachel. It was more of a goodbye and maybe he could grant her closure with the letter he had.

"I need to know for sure"  _to hear her say that she doesn't love me, doesn't want me_ , Rachel thinks but does not say the words even though it would be obvious to Kurt as he sits next to her on the bed, opening his arms to her, pulling her close to him. She will not given up on Quinn but deep down, she wonders if Quinn has given up on her.

"You're going to survive this."  _Like you survived it the first time,_ words he also does not speak as he feels Rachel's tears dot his shirt. "I'm always going to be here for you." It's not a promise he makes lightly but one which he feels justified in stating. "We're going to get through this."

He does not want to broach the next subject, the reason why he had to come over to see her even when she told him not to and refused to open the door such that he had to get her spare key couriered over from her dads in Lima."I'm going to be with you at all times."

It's the way he says the words that signals to her that he's talking about more than just Quinn's abandonment. She swallows the bile she feels rise up in her throat as she hears his next words, her fingernails digging into her sheets.

"You're going to need to give testimony at their parole hearing. Tell the State why those men should not be released. It's a slim chance but a chance nonetheless to stop it." Kurt holds onto Rachel, her small body, frailer than he can remember as he feels her shiver at his words.

She's older now, stronger, and different. All these thoughts go through her mind as she realizes that she has to choose between going to Afghanistan to see Quinn or staying to testify and ensure Jesse's killers didn't get released. She needs Quinn so much and she knows she's letting Jesse down "I…I can't." Hers eyes shut in embarrassment at giving up even as she knows she has spoken the truth.

"Maybe you don't have to." He fingers the letter in his pocket, knowing that the person who wrote it would love Rachel forever, the words so beautiful and raw that he cannot understand how Quinn could write it and still hurt Rachel.

"Honey, I'm not sure I should be doing this but I think you should read this." He takes the crumpled letter out. "A Capt. Jennings died two months ago and this was in her personal effects. It's a letter from Quinn addressed to you. It's dated about three months ago, before you guys met up."

Rachel stares at the letter, knowing that its contents had to power to destroy her resolve but Quinn's words always spoke to her heart that she would read it regardless. The words on the paper so personal and so like Quinn.

"If she thought you couldn't testify, would she do it? Would she come here?" It's something that he's been contemplating, a plan beginning to form in his mind.

"I don't…yes." Rachel nods, knowing Quinn, loving her even if the blond couldn't love Rachel back.

"Then instead of going to Afghanistan, I think we can get her to come here."

#$#$#$#$

"He said what?" Her voice carries across the room and the coffee cup on her table almost topples over as her hand comes down hard on her table. General Sylvester has never been threatened in her entire career. Even held at gun point in Nam, well more the Laotian border and also during the holiday she had taken five years back, but bottom line was that there had been no threatening because she was Sue Sylvester.

"That little mouseketeer gelfling has the audacity to tell Sue Sylvester what to do?" She stares at Lt. Pierce, the girl's facial expression not changing one iota and it provides General Sylvester comfort that things have not changed even as Brittany's monotone voice answers her.

"He said that you need to get Captain Fabray to testify at the parole hearing or ..." She had written down the exact words and therefore could read off the notepad even as she notices General Sylvester's face turn an interesting shade of red, her lips pressed together such that she couldn't see them any longer. Brittany is not sure if she should read off the next part but she does so anyway.

"Or he'll go to the press and tell them that you always knew that Rachel Berry had been looking for Captain Fabray and you kept it from her like the evil female dog that you are." She had tried to spell it, she really did but in the end, she just couldn't cuss. And anyway, she's always like Captain Fabray. In fact, they had been on a first name basis ever since General Sylvester made her check up on Quinn two years ago. And she truly hoped that it would all work out for her despite her current injuries and setback.

"Dammit." That Vienna boys' choir reject had her dead to rights. It was inconceivable to lose to a civilian and she was tempted to have him excommunicated by the church and interrogated by the INS. Two things she could initiate even if she had to call in a couple of long overdue favors. The pope always enjoyed a good ass kicking.

"How's Quinn's recovery?"

Her hard edged voice softens imperceptibly but Brittany can tell the difference and she takes the opportunity to highlight her worry about Quinn. "The surgeries went well and the pins in her leg are holding together. She's just not talking to anyone. Not to Gunnery Sergeant Riley and definitely not to the doctors. I even offered her a chance to talk to Mr. Whiskers back home although I think he's been put on the CIA watch list."

General Sylvester hates being forced into making a decision but what she hates more is seeing the people she cared about and dedicated her life to, suffer. "Maybe she does need a trip back home." If Captain Fabray wouldn't talk to anyone, maybe being forced to testify would finally get her to open up. She just needed to ensure that if she did, there would be people there to hear it.

"Ok, I'll tell Capt. Fabray but I won't tell my cat." Brittany salutes smartly before going to tell Quinn the news.

**End Pt 11**


	12. Chapter 12

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**3 Months Ago**

Rachel is sleeping quietly next to her, their bodies entwined such that she cannot tell limb from limb. She feels complete for the first time ever, like she finally can breathe and recognize the person she wants to be. It's familiar in some ways because she's always known this was who she wanted to be and this was what she had hoped to feel like.

Quinn Fabray is a quick learner and understands that Rachel was solely responsible for her current state of mind and she needed to do everything in her power to protect the brunette currently lying in her arms.

She would have to take it upon herself to always ensure that Rachel was happy and protected because she would never in a million years be able to articulate to Rachel what her presence has meant to Quinn.

So she makes a solemn promise to herself that she would always put Rachel first regardless of the cost to her, Rachel's wellbeing would always have to come first. Even if it meant hurting Rachel in the short run, the end game was to ensure Rachel was protected, always.

#$#$#$#$

Rachel can hear the shower running and wants to join Quinn even as she looks at the number of unanswered calls and messages she has on her phone. They had sequestered themselves in her room, ignoring the outside world because they needed the time to reconnect.

But Rachel's never been slow on the uptake and she knows that eventually, the outside world would encroach upon them. Which meant she would have to decide how to handle the media and Kurt and what she wanted to promise Quinn.

The latter decision being the easiest one to make because she wanted to promise the world to Quinn. She wasn't going to push or force any declarations, all she wanted to do was to let Quinn know that she wanted Quinn to be in her life in any capacity the blonde was comfortable with.

It was definitely easier said than done because Rachel was never patient or willing to delegate decisions to any other party. But Quinn was special and Rachel knows what she wants and what would make her happy, but for once, she wants to know what would make Quinn happy and if it entailed modifying her ingrained behavioral traits, then that was what she was going to strive to do.

"You're making me waste good hot water." She smiles as she hears Quinn call out, already off the bed and undressing as she walks towards the bathroom. Rachel realizes how special Quinn is in the context of her life and because of that, she promises herself that she wouldn't push or make the decision on Quinn's behalf, she would accept whatever the blond wanted to give of herself. She just prayed that Quinn was willing to give her everything.

**The Present**

The sun feels different on her skin, in fact everything seems so foreign even though she had spent six years living in California, it's not home anymore and Quinn does not know or remember where home really is.

Lt. Pierce is pushing her wheelchair and Quinn wants to tell her to stop, that she can do it herself and that being here isn't affecting her at all only she's lying and it hurts to know that she's finally in the same country as Rachel but they're still further away than they've ever been. She realizes that it had been her choice but also understands that she loves Rachel too much to become a burden to her.

"So you're going to have to testify, huh?" She looks up at Brittany's face and nods, unsure of what she's going to say but knowing that it's up to her to ensure that the men who killed Jesse and hurt Rachel didn't get released.

When General Sylvester had come to her hospital room to see her, she knew that it had to be serious. Initially Quinn had thought that her lack of response to the psychologist and doctors had finally got her into trouble enough for the Base Commander to pay her a visit. Only her subsequent words had stunned her enough for her to finally speak.

_"Listen up Captain Q, I know you're all kinds of hurt but I'm only going to say this once so listen up. Suck. It .Up. Life is pain and the sooner you understand it, the easier all this is going to be. Now, you're going to need to fly to California." The General's voice dripping with hate as the name of the State passes her lips but she just sneers and continues. "Those jackals that killed your friend, their parole hearings are being held next week."_

_Quinn finally looks up, her hazel eyes alert as she understands the implications of General Sylvester's words._   _Yet, she still cannot bring herself to say anything, only staring straight at her waiting for her to say more._

_"One Rachel Berry was set to testify."_

_Quinn's intake of breath does not go unnoticed but still she remains quiet, the only difference being her expression now showing fear and regret._

_"But as of an hour ago, she can't make it to the hearing."_

_Those words and the apprehension they instill in her finally giving her impetus to speak, "Why?" Quinn's voice is soft, rusty and her hands grab hold of the bedrail so tightly because she would be reaching out otherwise, pulling on the General's coat, demanding the reason why Rachel can't go to California. She's trying so hard not to think of the worst but not succeeding as she feels fear grip her senses._

_"Her manager says that she's taken suddenly ill." Sue mimes a drink bottle as she tilts her head back and knows Quinn will react to it as she had predicted._

_"She can't know." She stares at the General and only continues when she sees her nod. "When do I leave?" She couldn't protect Rachel physically or stop her from drinking but Quinn could testify on her behalf. She didn't do it before but it didn't preclude her from doing it now. Rachel wouldn't have to know, she wouldn't be there to see how broken Quinn was but at lease she could still speak up._

She's roused out of her memories as a woman walks up to them, file in her hand and determined look on her face. "You must be Captain Quinn Fabray. I'm Mercedes Jones from the law firm of Frankel, Uchida, Carlyle and Kingston." She was not expecting the wheelchair or the utter look of defeat on Quinn's face but she had to work with what she had. She just hoped Kurt knew what he was doing and Rachel wasn't too surprised.

"Fuck!" Brittany exclaims smiling, the word sailing over her comprehension as she nods enthusiatically at Mercedes.

"Yes, as in them. The hearing's scheduled to take place this afternoon and we've got special dispensation for you to testify on the victims' behalf. You may need to explain your relationship to Rachel and Jesse." Mercedes had been Rachel's lawyer for the past four years and she mainly had to deal with contract wordings and conveyance.

This was new but when Kurt had explained the situation, she knew that she needed to do something. She knew a bit about Quinn and Rachel's so called relationship and how the young soldier had broken it off recently, leaving Rachel desolate and inconsolable. Kurt had thought that Quinn Fabray had been scared or just plain stupid but perhaps there was more to it than that considering the fact that Quinn looked like she had been through the wringer and more.

"Ok." Quinn nods, taking a deep breath and looking at Rachel's lawyer, wanting to ask after Rachel but scared because she didn't have a right to; her eyes wide and unblinking as they meet Mercedes's.

Mercedes has seen that look before and though she wants to ignore it, she cannot bring herself to ignore the implied plea from Quinn's eyes. "She's hanging in there, no thanks to you. They're still behind bars so we just have to make sure they remain there." She gives Quinn the once over, pleased to see her chest filled with ribbons and medals.

"You're going to have to put on a show if we want to make sure." She sees resolve on Quinn's face and is at least comforted in knowing that even if she wasn't with Rachel anymore, she seemed determined to do her best here.

"Just tell me what to do."

#$#$#$#$

Rachel knows that Quinn is nearby but can't bring herself to hope. She feels Kurt hand cover her own, stopping her fingers from digging into the sides of the car seat.

"Relax, we'll be there soon and you'll get your chance." He had got the message from Mercedes that Quinn had arrived and was testifying. He's not sure if he should tell Rachel about the wheelchair knowing how on edge she already was.

"Whatever happens, you know you'll always have me." Her eyes meet his and he can see her uncertainty but also her resolve reflected back. "Just promise me you'll say what you need to her but also give her a chance to explain."

Rachel's always suspected that Kurt knew more than he let on and had a hand somewhat in her history with Quinn. She knows she could force it out of him but in the end, he had helped her get Quinn stateside and it really came down to her and how much Quinn loved her considering she already knows how much she loves Quinn.

#$#$#$#

Mercedes's language over the phone is unrepeatable and even Brittany eyes bug out when she hears it. Quinn's quiet, her hands in fists on her lap as she looks out the window, her expression almost stricken as she realizes that all her efforts may have been in vain. As always, she has fallen short of making a difference and it hurts tothink that Rachel will suffer because of it.

"They had a priest as a character witness for god sake." Mercedes is almost apoplectic as she recounts how they had used religion to try and condone part of their past actions. "It was.." She glances at Quinn and stops her words. "I gotta go. We may still have a shot."

She sees Quinn finally look at her, regret etched on her face "I should have been there six years ago." She had recounted the incident in her clear voice, how the four men had acted in the bar and how she had thrown them out because they had threatened Rachel and Jesse. However, she could not really give further context on what happened next. She hadn't been there to see the attack ad had only arrive at the aftermath.

So she had been honest though about how guilty she had felt and how the incident had affected her albeit indirectly and how she knew in her heart it affected Rachel.

"What else can I do?" There's desperation to her question as she realizes that she is indeed useless to Rachel. Quinn's so mired with guilt such that she does not even notice the new entrant into the room until a voice speaks up.

"You can hold my hand while I testify." The voice is tentative as Rachel stares at Quinn. Her hands wanting to touch her but she's rooted to the spot. She takes in the wheelchair, Quinn's leg in an elaborate cast the weight loss and the paleness of her skin, still marred with faint scars and scratches.

It finally made sense, sort of, but it still didn't negate the hurt of Quinn's rejection. She had clearly been injured and instead of turning to Rachel, Quinn had rejected her. Even with that, all Rachel can think of is holding Quinn's hand because she was so scared out of her mind and about to face her attackers again.

She wants so badly to reach out but in her heart she knows that the decision has to be Quinn's, Rachel knows that she could profess her love or take the first step but she wants Quinn to make the choice. Even if Quinn didn't choose her, she would at least know either way instead of living in hope and dying slowly inside.

She meets Quinn's hazel eyes, seeing the hurt and pain flow through but also something else, something undefined yet familiar and Rachel involuntarily takes a step forward.

Quinn had felt so incomplete until she heard Rachel's voice and saw her standing not three feet away. The only problem was that she still felt so broken inside and neither Rachel not her love for her could change that. She hears Rachel's plea and has to press her hands into her lap so as not to reach out no matter how much she wants to. She stares at the brunette taking her in, noting the way the sun glinted off her hair and how her eyes shone with unshed tears.

She had received some absolution from Rachel for Jesse's death and the attack but she's so broken because she now carries the guilt of Ally's death as well and there was no way she would expose Rachel to that. It was inconceivable to burden Rachel with her problems and injuries.

Quinn does not want the moment to end but then Rachel takes the step forward and her instincts kick in as she places her hands on the wheels, turns the chair deftly and pushes herself away without a word.

She's not fast enough such that she can hear Rachel's cry and Mercedes's curse, "Hell to the no. What the fuck is that girl on."

**End Part 12**


	13. Chapter 13

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**6 weeks Ago**

"Rachel Barbra Berry, you are not spending your entire royalty check on a ring that you're not even sure she's going to like." She ignores Kurt's high pitch rant as she looks at the ring, wondering how it would look on Quinn's finger, picturing her smile.

"She'll love it." Rachel knows that she's crazy in doing this without even talking to Quinn about taking the next steps. It was just the fact that Quinn could discern her moods even over a crackly telephone line while she was thousands of miles away in a combat zone no less as well as the fact that she knew Rachel well enough to promise that everything would be ok.

And Rachel had truly believed her, her trepidation receding because Quinn had told her that she loved her and they would get through anything together. "And I love her."

Kurt sees her face soften and is at least glad that Rachel's mind is no longer on Karofsky's impending release. He's still working on trying to stop it and he knows that it may have to come down to Rachel facing them and testifying again. "So you're really going to propose?" He wants to tell her she's moving too fast but he knows that it's been six years in the making and therefore holds his tongue.

"I'm going to ask for a promise from her, not a commitment, at least not yet."There's still so much healing to do on both their sides, Quinn needed to forgive herself and Rachel knows she needs to prove that she's stronger now and able to face all her fears and be there for Quinn like the blonde had been for her.

#$#$#$#$

"Ally." Quinn calls out, needing to get her opinion before she went for her mission. She was still feeling of kilter about the call just now, wanting to offer Rachel more than just words; knowing that Rachel deserved so much more.

"Sup, Q" Ally smiles as she sees Quinn roll her eyes. "What? It's what all the kids are saying in my ward." Sometimes she feels so much older than her thirty three years and when she looks at Quinn, she knows that the pilot had endured things beyond her twenty eight years as well, the both of them feeling far older than they should.

"I want to do something for Rachel. I need to show her that I'm all in and I can be there for her."She sees Ally smile at her as she nods. "I have to go but I'll meet you when I get back?"

"Sure, I'll meet you after your mission and we'll brainstorm what big romantic gesture will get you the girl. " She's a romantic at heart and Quinn had definitely come to the right person. Now all she had to do was to give her best friend a little push and hope that both Quinn and Rachel will just let the past go and be happy together.

**The Present**

Rachel can literally feel her heart break and she cannot stop the cry from escaping even as she covers her mouth with her hand, trying her best to accept Quinn's decision. She made a promise and it had to mean something even if she was the one to be hurt by it.

Her knees buckle and she feels hands grab at her just before she hits the floor, "She's just scared." The voice belonging to the other soldier in the room, her features strained but kind as she holds onto Rachel.

"She loves you so much but she's also lost so much and this doesn't make sense but she rather lose you now and make it her choice than to lose you later. She blames herself for Ally's death, for making her meet her at the time of the attack." Rachel listens, really listens to the words because she wants so desperately to believe as she hands grasp hold of the woman holding her, wishing that she was holding on to Quinn. But if the words were true then perhaps she really needed to push Quinn, to show that she wasn't afraid for the both of them.

Mercedes was used to feeling righteous indignation and knowing that it was always up to people like her to fight for the right thing, to tip the scales from unfair to fair and to make the tough choices.

"Rach, if you're really here to testify, then we have to do it now." To be honest, she's almost sure that Rachel would not be in any position to make a difference but she's never underestimated the steel will of Rachel Berry and she wasn't going to start now.

Rachel just wants to go to Quinn but in doing that, she would be running away from her other fears and perhaps she needed to stop being frightened first. Maybe she needed to prove to Quinn that she was strong and then maybe Quinn would finally lean on her.

"Ok." She lets out a shaky breath but her voice does not waver. "Let's go testify."

#$#$#$#

"So this is what the end of the world feels like." She hears Brittany's sure footsteps behind her and wonders if she would have capitulated if it was Rachel instead. She wants so badly to be the strong one and do the right thing. Only, her heart so desperately needs something that her head is telling her she can't acquiesce to.

"It doesn't have to be."Brittany's clear voice cuts through Quinn's self recrimination as she looks up at her fellow soldier. "She wants you to be there for her. She asked you to hold her hand." It was so obvious to Brittany yet she could see that Quinn just didn't get it.

"I can't be there for her, I'm not…"Quinn sees Brittany's face scrunch up, her hands on her hips as she lets out a half yell before hitting her at the side of her head.

"You know the General actually thinks I'm the dumb blond between the both of us but right now, you're dumber than toast. Rachel Berry just asked you to hold her hand and be there for her. What more do you want her to say? You're so afraid of leaning on her that you're ignoring the fact that she wants to lean on you now regardless of whether you're in that stupid chair or not." She sees the comprehension dawn in Quinn's hazel eyes. Finally, a spark of understanding of how colossally stupid she's been.

"She saw me." Quinn realizing that Rachel didn't see someone broken in a wheelchair but just her and all Rachel was asking was to hold her hand. She turns her chair only to feel a push from behind as Brittany propels her forward.

If she knew Rachel and deep down she really did, she would be testifying right now, despite being scared and thinking Quinn had abandoned her, Rachel would do the right thing and still honor Jesse's memory.

#$#$#$#$

Rachel does not look at the men sitting at the side of the room, their orange jumpsuits clashing with the grey walls as she stares forward stoically, trying her best not to think of the Quinn or her rejection.

She can hear Mercedes going over the facts of her case, highlighting her injuries and its weird that the hurt she feels currently seems so much bigger than the physical hurts she endured six years ago.

"Ms Berry would like to address the parole board today and appeal against the release of these men who not only killed her best friend but also gravely injured her six years ago."

Rachel stands slowly, as she rubs her open palms against the sides of her skirt before linking them in front of her. It's then that she turns to look at Dave Karofsky and Azimio Adams. Their features baleful as they stare back at her and it all comes rushing back, the terror of that night and the cold hard terror that gripped her when she saw Jesse go down.

She's so caught up in her head that she does not feel Quinn take her hand until she hears her voice, "I'm here. For what it's worth, I'm here."

Rachel cannot bring herself to look at Quinn, instead, she turns to the three men and two women sitting at the table in the front of the room. Her voice betrays the roiling emotions within her as she slowly recounts what transpired six years ago.

She talks about her own guilt at flirting with Quinn and the shock she had felt when they had been attacked, the names she had been called and finally the utter grief she had felt when she found out that Jesse had died. How that single act of violence had repercussions on so many lives including hers and Quinn's.

In the end, she leaves the panel with one plea, "I can't stop you from letting them go free but only do it if they truly feel remorse but not because they're blaming their actions on something or someone else or because the prison system is overcrowded. Forgiveness should come only for those who would spend the rest of their lives earning it, not to those who run or hide." She looks pointedly at Quinn who meets her gaze, a silent understanding finally brokered. She's finally forgiven herself and what she needs is for Quinn to do the same and for that to happen, Quinn needs to make the decision by herself. Rachel knows she pushed all she can and she just hopes that Quinn recognizes the strength she has in herself.

Rachel sees Mercedes smile encouragingly at her and feels the heat of Quinn's hand in hers before she reluctantly lets it go and swiftly walks out of the room before she can change her mind. She starts to run as soon as the door shuts behind her and does not stop even as she hears Quinn's voice calling her name.

#$#$#$#$

"I need to find her." Quinn's confident tone finally recognizable as she addresses her statement to Mercedes who is still talking to Rachel's manager, their heads bent together as they discuss the possible outcome of Rachel's testimony.

"I've got a law degree, not a PI license." Mercedes turns and stares at Quinn, "Where do you think she would she go?"

It's a question she's asked herself realizing that deep down, she does know the answer because she loves Rachel.

She looks up at the sky, a quintessential California afternoon, the breeze just right and the sun shining down and it hits her that Jesse's buried in LA. Rachel would want to see him, it would hurt but Rachel wouldn't run away from that, not like Quinn would.

"Jesse St James, do you know where he's buried?" She looks to Mercedes who shrugs her shoulders but Kurt answers instead, "Riverside Memorial Cemetery." She doesn't even have to say anything as Mercedes directs her to the car and Brittany pushes her chair.

#$#$#$#$

Rachel sits against the head stone, her head tilted back as she sings softly to herself, her hands in her pockets. She sees the remnants of the flowers she has sent last week and knows that a new bouquet would be delivered tomorrow as it is every week. She's not sure if she's done the right thing in coming here or even if Quinn would show up but she's always believed in love and in Quinn and she hopes that her belief is not unwarranted.

Quinn sees her in the distance, her hand stilling on Brittany's stopping the blond from pushing her chair any further, "I have to do this on my own." She does not wait for an answer as she wheels herself across the lawn, focusing on getting to Rachel.

She hears Quinn approach, but she does not make eye contact even when she hears Quinn's words.

"You knew I'd come." She realizes so much in that instance but needs to say the words, to pledge herself to Rachel if the brunette would let her.

Rachel shakes her head at Quinn's proclamation, "I hoped and wished that you would come." It's then that she looks at her, "I love you, I want you in my life but I can't force you to be with me."

She sees Quinn's eyes fill with tears, her hands gripping the wheels of her chair so tightly, "I don't want to be a burden, I can't.." She sees Rachel's features morph into anger and is cut off.

"You can't love me?" It's as direct as she can be and she's no longer afraid of the answer because she knows Quinn.

"I do love you, I just don't want to be a burden to you." She's taken aback by Rachel's bark of laughter.

"And you don't think that I won't lean on you, be a burden to you? I'm an alcoholic and I'll always be one. Each day is a battle to not take a drink. I still can't walk pass an alley without holding someone's hand. I have nightmares most nights until I slept with you." She needs to be as honest as she can. She not scared of Quinn's demons and in the end, she needs to ensure that Quinn won't be scared of hers either.

"I have nightmares too except when I'm with you." Quinn smiles through her tears.

"I need constant validation and I hog the covers." Rachel does not reach out, at least not yet although her fingers curl around the ring in her pocket.

"I need to see a psychologist twice a week and all I've been able to do is sit there. I can't say anything, I don't know how." She still hasn't been able to articulate the loss of Ally or what Rachel means to her.

"I speak enough for the both of us." She doesn't want to speak for Quinn but she also doesn't need Quinn to tell her things she already knows in her heart.

"I may never walk again." It's the first time she's said it out loud since the shooting.

Rachel slowly takes out the ring, placing it at the corner of the headstone before looking back up at Quinn. "But we won't know until we take the journey together. I may never win another Grammy or you may never get to walk or fly again but I want to be there for you and…" She tears her gaze away from Quinn and looks at the ring she had placed there. Her sentence left hanging although she does not shut her eyes as she looks at the diamonds sparking in the sun before she sees Quinn's hand reach out, her fingers lingering above for just a second before she picks it up.

"And you'll have me."

**End Part 13**


	14. Chapter 14

**Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

**Ten Years Ago**

"I'm not a loser." His voice is bordering belligerent but Quinn can't blame him considering she was the one who had called him that in the first place. She sees him pacing in front of her, like he's already caged and she knows she can't expect him to be tied down. Quinn wants to tell him that it wasn't a mistake but she knows that even if it wasn't, it couldn't last because she just didn't love him the way he loved her.

"I..I didn't mean it that way. I'm not ready to be a mom and I don't think you're ready to be a father either." Quinn reaches out for Puck's hand only to have him brush it aside as he strides away from her, his arms crossed, his back to her. "Noah, please, don't make this any more difficult."

"I'm not the one making this difficult. I have money saved up, we could be a family, I love you Quinn, I'll look after the both of you." It's a mixture of bravado and pride that pushes him but he does know that he loves her or he could if she gave him the chance. She was always going to be out of his league and he had been surprised that she said yes, first to the date and then to the sex but he never questioned his luck. And to be honest he still considers himself lucky that she chose him. Only he's hanging on to a memory even though he can clearly see that she's moved on.

Her decision made and all he can do is be a bystander and watch her leave. The baby would go to a good home and he shouldn't be selfish and hang on to the both of them but he tries anyway. "Just say yes."

She wants to say yes, for once to be looked after and not carry her burdens alone, the word on the tip of her tongue but the sudden onset of cramps causes her to double over. She knows about Braxton hicks but it's too early for its onset. Quinn does not want to think of the alternative even as she looks at Puck and feels the blood dripping between her thighs.

Quinn reaches out and feels Noah's hand in hers but all she remembers are her father's words telling her that she would be punished for her shameless behavior, that she would always carry her guilt with her. Her upbringing priming her for acceptance of punishment in any form. She just never expected her baby to suffer as well.

Maybe she was never meant to have a family.

#$#$#$#$

"So you actually have our lives all mapped out?" Jesse doesn't have to ask the question knowing how Rachel can be but he knows she's bursting to tell him of her thirty year plan and how he fits into it. He hates to disappoint her even as he acknowledges that he'll have to burst her bubble eventually, just not today.

"Well, only up to the point where I win my first Grammy and you win your first Tony award. And of course little Patti Berry St James." She turns to smile at him, her hands on her knees as she leans forward to brush the hair off his collar, her hand lingering at his cheek.

"She's so going to get beat up with a name like that."He chuckles when she pouts, wondering if perhaps they could really work out that way. He does love her although he's not in love with her even though he knows that it's not difficult to fall in love with her if he was so inclined.

"I am very cognizant of the fact that precocious children saddled with strong names will most likely be the target of weak minded individuals jealous of their talent." They have so much in common that it's just so easy to play along, hoping that it would work out in the end.

"Maybe not Patti but Berry St James still sounds good." She bumps his shoulder and sees him nod at her words but knows that he's still trying to figure things out for himself and when he does, they'll just revert to being best friends and that's something she knows she can live with. She clings to the hope that everything will work out as it should be.

"Yeah, it does." He pulls her into a hug, thrilled that they'll go to UCLA together, knowing their whole life was in front of them just waiting to unfold. He was looking forward to all of it and having Rachel there with him was going to be great.

**The Future**

She feels the tenseness in Quinn's body as they sit next to each other on the too soft couch. Quinn's arm is holding her protectively as she leans back against it, happy for the contact. The doctor's office is generic enough to not be memorable but the reason that they are there is enough for them not to forget this day.

Rachel hums under her breath, a nervous tendency that Quinn picks up on as she takes Rachel's smaller hand in hers before whispering in her ear, "Whatever the test results come back as, just remember that you have me and I have you." The words tickle her ear and she nods. The words like a mantra to the both of them, instilling the belief they have in each other and reiterating the love they share.

"What if?" She's always been the hopeful one, not thinking of best or worst case scenarios but just living in hope that it would all work out. They've talked about this and what it would mean to them. She turns her body, taking both of Quinn's hands in hers now, "I really have a good feeling."

It's difficult to explain her sixth sense, of just knowing something will happen, and hoping that it's something good because they've gone through so much and she only wants the best for Quinn.

She feels Quinn caress her cheek and she leans into her touch as she looks into Quinn's hazel eyes, hooded by her thick eyelashes. She could stare into those eyes forever, "Maybe this is the one." She sees Quinn smile, not denying her words but holding back and not saying anything because they've been disappointed before.

"Rachel, Quinn, you both look well." Dr. Huang greets the two women in her office. They've been coming to her for the past year and a half, Quinn more reluctantly than Rachel but she always showed up, sometimes a few minutes late and Rachel would pace the office humming under her breath until Quinn would walk through the door, always with a kiss and an apology that Rachel would wave off.

"We can go over the results in my office." She leads the way, knowing that Rachel would stand first, Quinn's hand already tightly held in hers as the blond slowly got to her feet, the cane supporting most of her weight. Rachel would look around the office, her gaze settling on the window as she waited for Quinn to take her first step. And only then would they make their way together into her inner office.

It's been like that for as long as she's known them and she really wants to give them the good news that the both of them were hoping for. At first, she was a bit worried that Rachel wanted it so much more than Quinn did and the blond only came to these sessions to appease her. She had confronted Quinn early on because she didn't want to waste their time or hers.

_"I don't normally do this." Dr. Huang looks sheepish as she addresses Quinn, her gaze flicking towards the door hoping that Rachel will give her the time she had asked for with Quinn. She meets Quinn's gaze and is surprised to see that the young woman was expecting this._

_"I love Rachel." It's a pure statement of fact but the words are infused with so much conviction that she finds herself nodding to Quinn's words. "You were going to ask me if I am ready for this or if I have any second thoughts." She sees Quinn's eyebrows arch upwards as if challenging her to deny it._

_"You're my patient here as much as Rachel is and I cannot in good conscience advise you to do this if you're not convinced yourself." She sees Quinn turn to look at the door as if calculating how much time she has before Rachel enters again._

_She sighs, her hand going through her hair before she turns back to look at the doctor, knowing that she actually has their best interest at heart and therefore she didn't have to be defensive even if it felt like she had to explain all her actions thus far._

_Quinn knows that Rachel wants this more than anything and she could never deny her. It wasn't as if she didn't want it herself but she just needed to get use to the idea, and be there for Rachel if it didn't work. She could be happy later because just being with Rachel was enough. She knows that she doesn't owe Dr. Huang an explanation but she also realizes that Rachel not being here was a sign that she was giving Quinn space to work out issues she may have with the doctor._

_She scrubs her face with her hands, blowing a breath out, "It's not that I don't want this….I just don't like seeing Rachel sad if it doesn't work." The odds are lower than she'd like but they've beaten odds like that before in finding each other again after six long years the first time._

_"And if it does work?" The question is one that she's been asking herself as well and the answer comes so easily,_

_"Rachel will be thrilled."_

_"And you? Will you be happy too?"_

_Quinn bites her lower lip as she looks away, not deflecting the question but giving herself time to reflect on it. "You have no idea how happy she makes me, how blessed I feel everyday to have her in my life. I never thought I could be any happier than I am right now. It's unbelievable to think I can be any happier. So if it does work then I'll be the luckiest person on the face of the planet." She hears the door open and wipes the tears from her eyes before Rachel can see them._

She's so use to her cane that she forgets that Rachel had to force her to use it in the beginning. Like most things, it had been Rachel's steel will that eventually won out and Quinn realized that she was more often correct than not anyway and making Rachel happy always made her happy too.

She can feel Rachel's nervousness spill over as her hand grips onto Quinn's as her knee bounces up and down. Quinn wants this so much but she suppresses it all because she would need to be there for Rachel like she had been the previous two times when the results had come back negative.

Her back is straight, her eyes are focused and she knows Rachel would joke that you could take her out of the armed forces but you couldn't take the armed forces out of her. It had never been a point of contention though and it amazed her that Rachel still insisted on performing at the USO concerts whenever she had time. She would tell Quinn it was her way of thanking the military for looking after Quinn for the six years they had been apart.

Quinn glances to the side, catching Rachel's eyes and a silent understanding passes between them. Whatever the news, they'll always be together, supporting each other, completing each other.

Dr. Huang flips the file open, her eyes scanning the pages before she looks up at the couple sitting before her, "Well, I guess congratulations are in order." Her smile is so wide but it is still eclipsed by Rachel's and Quinn's.

"Rachel, you're pregnant. About three weeks along. Congratulations guys." She finally gets to see Quinn let go, her face filled with emotion, tears in her eyes but it is her smile that's a sight to behold, both reverent and filled with love and completely focused on Rachel.

Quinn tentatively reaches out, her hand laying flat against Rachel's lower abdomen, her eyes filled with wonder as Rachel covers Quinn's hand with her own.

"Jesse Fabray Berry." The name rolls off her tongue almost automatically, their three lives had been inextricably linked so long ago, leading up to this particular moment and it only seemed right for their baby to carry all three names.

"We're going to have a baby, I'm having your baby." Rachel says the words out loud, allowing the miracle to sink in. When she had first broached the idea to Quinn, of wanting to carry her baby, she was expecting resistance. However, as always, Quinn surprised her by agreeing almost immediately.

It was Quinn who made the doctor's appointment and Rachel had been there holding her hand when Quinn had her ova extracted. Likewise, Quinn made the appointment at the sperm bank and they had chosen the donor's characteristics together, curly brown hair, brown eyes and a strong interest in the arts.

They told each other everything and Rachel always knew how reticent Quinn could be. In the beginning, she was always worried that Quinn wasn't as happy as she was but in time, she finally understood that Quinn would always try her best to hide her emotions, worried that in the end she would be disappointed or that she would disappoint Rachel.

So like she promised, Rachel would always show how happy she was for the both of them and hope that in time, Quinn would feel comfortable as well. She would always remember to ask Quinn for her opinion because Quinn would never tell her automatically, except of course for today as Quinn looked at her in complete awe.

"I love you, both of you. Always" Quinn captures Rachel's lips, sealing her promise.

**The End**


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read at your own risk. Contains Smut.

**Epilogue**

It always starts the same way, with the strong metallic smell of blood. So strong that she feels it coalesce at the back of her throat and knows that if she were awake, she would gag. Next, she feels it on her hands, coating them, thick and hot as they pulse out of the convulsing body. She tries to stem the flow, pushing down, her palms flat against skin and then she hears the ragged sound of keening pain.

It's raw and she can't tell if it's from a man or a woman until she opens her eyes. The face she sees changes like the seasons. Sometimes it Danny Mills who had died on her first tour, a landmine ending his life at twenty one. One moment he had been whistling Dixie, his gun slung over his shoulder because they were in a friendly village. All it took was one second, as his foot landed with a thud and they all heard the click of the mine engaging.

Quinn had been fifteen feet away, on her fifth ground patrol and the blast blew her back another six feet. Danny's body landing just a few feet away, his face bloody, his eyes closed and his legs blown clean off, just another specter to add to her collection and fuel her nightmares.

At other times, it's the faces of people whose names she didn't know, fellow soldiers and enemies, all dead or dying. All of them, people whom she had encountered during her two tours. And once, it had been Jesse's face and she hadn't stopped her scream from erupting in time, but luckily, Rachel had been recording late in the studio that night.

However, most times, it's a rotation between Ally and Rachel, their faces drawn and pale, their eyes staring straight at her. She can see their pupils constrict as the light leaves their eyes. Quinn knows she screams their names in her nightmare, trying to forge a connection, pleading for them to stay with her. Except it always ends the same way, she feels the blood stop pumping through her fingers and she jerks awake.

Her head shoots off the pillow, the scream dying in her throat as she swallows down and bites the inside of her cheek. Her hands in fists, grabbing at the sheets until her knuckles are white. And like her terrifying dream, her senses all come back sequentially as she smells Rachel's vanilla body cream, her hands on her back or sometimes wrapped around her. Rachel's head resting on her shoulder or next to her ear as her soothing voice murmurs words, telling her that everything's going to be fine.

Most times, it's enough to snap her out of her nightmare induced fog. But every now and then, she needs something more to pull her away from all the blood that she can still feel coating her hands. And Rachel always knows as she pulls her body flushed to hers and sings.

It doesn't matter the song but Rachel knows she has her favorites and she tends to start with those. And all she hears is Rachel's beautiful voice softly singing in her ear, until she blinks her body relaxing from its tense state. It takes a few songs but then as if by magic, her muscles unlock and her jaw stops grinding down and she realizes Rachel's safe and there with her.

It still hits her that Ally, Danny, Jesse and countless of others are dead but she feels Rachel's body, especially the small bump pressing into the small of her back and it's enough to wash away all her fears and trauma.

"I'm..ok, I'm ok." She repeats it out loud, her voice as steady as she can muster because she needs to not worry Rachel. A difficult task as she turns around to see Rachel staring back, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. Quinn knows exactly what Rachel's going to say and cuts her off even as she sees her mouth open.

"It was nothing, really. Just a stupid dream. I'm fine. I'm, I'm fine." It's like Quinn feels that reiteration would actually make Rachel believe the words regardless of what she had witnessed on so many occasions. Rachel knows Quinn isn't blatantly lying to her but that the love of her life, the only person she ever wanted to spend the rest of her life with, actually believed her own words.

Quinn thought by saying them aloud, repeating them like a mantra in her head, would make them true. It's the sixth time this month that Quinn had awoken from one of her nightmares. When they had first got together, Rachel had been the one with the bad dreams, but they had tapered off as soon as she understood Quinn wasn't going anywhere.

The first few weeks, she would wake up gasping for breath, Quinn's name on her lips. But Quinn had been there every night, laying next to her, their legs tangled up and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes. Her abandonment issues disappearing like a wisp of smoke because Quinn had finally promised to never leave her.

Quinn's words enough to drive away any concerns and fears she had, And she desperately wants to do the same for Quinn, only her insecurities seem trite compared to post traumatic stress disorder. The diagnosis had been given last week when they had gone for the ex-soldier's therapy session.

"It's recurring more often." Her voice is whisper soft because she does not want to stress Quinn any more than she has to but even then, she notes her aggrieved expression turn to guilt and it's not what Rachel wants to happen. Her hand caresses the blond's cheek, "Don't, please don't, I'm here, just tell me.."

Quinn immediately pulls back stopping Rachel's words. It's not that she wants to be difficult but she cannot share this with Rachel. She can still see the images in her head and they're just too visceral and raw to share with her especially considering she was four months pregnant.

So she pushes herself off the bed and does not stop even as Rachel calls out to her, making her way to the kitchen in their apartment and pouring a glass of water. She loves this place, the quietness of being thirty storey's up, the view of the park and the way everything reminder her of Rachel All the posters on the walls, the plush comfortable furniture and Rachel's ubiquitous scent that permeated everything and made it feel safe.

As she walked back to their room, she knew that she needed Rachel to understand that she couldn't share her nightmare with her but by just being here with Rachel, it would have to be enough to see her through her issues.

Rachel holds back her tears as she stays silent, waiting to hear the front door shut. She knows Quinn won't abandon her and that the blond wasn't pushing her away but trying to protect her by not sharing what she considered too damaging to hear. The one thing that Quinn just didn't realize was that Rachel actually already knew exactly what Quinn's nightmares were about.

Rachel reaches over and pulls open the small drawer of her side table. She peers in, comforted to see the letter is still there. Slightly yellowed and crumpled but intact. She doesn't need to read it though, having memorized it like she had done with the previous two letters Quinn had sent her.

She's completely sure that Quinn does not know she has it in her possession and had been waiting for the right time to broach the subject and realizes that she'll have to do it tonight. She can't bear to see Quinn try and do this on her own and this was the only way she could make Quinn see that she had more than an inkling of her worst nightmare, so she takes it out and unfolds it, placing it in her lap.

Rachel's relieved to see Quinn walk back into their room, a glass of water in her extended hand. She does feel thirsty but knows that she's just swallowing her fear. "Let's just get some rest." Quinn's glad to see Rachel take the water but her eyes widen as she finally notices the letter in her lap.

She wants to snatch it but is frozen as she hears Rachel's soft voice.

" _Dearest Rachel, I sometimes wish that I had never met you. There are these days here where everything gets so bad, so difficult and all I can do is to compare them to the night I met you. Not the way that night ended but the way it began._

_Meeting your eyes and taking in that smile, it made me believe in God and soul mates and promises and love and everything finally making sense in my head. All the difficulties I needed to face, all the tribulations everything completely surmountable as long as you kept smiling at me._

_I screwed up more drink orders that night than in the past two years I had worked there but nothing mattered as long as I kept talking to you and hearing my name fall from your lips. I imagined kissing you in every conceivable situation; starting with just leaning over the bar to capture your lower lip between my teeth to propelling myself over it and pulling your body flushed against mine, our lips finally meeting like they were meant to._

_I never imagined doing it as you lay broken and bleeding on the ground, your warm blood coating my skin and thinking I had stolen your last breath as your eyes slid shut and my world almost ended._

_I couldn't understand how the best and worst experience of my entire life at that point could take place within a six hour span until I came out here. "_

Rachel pauses as she sees Quinn looking directly at her except she's not focused on her, her pupils wide and Rachel knows she's remembering her past. It takes all of her will power to not reach out and hold on to Quinn. The imagery from the letter so intense that she knows Quinn is reliving the experience.

" _Sometimes all I see is the color red, stark against the muted desert tones and all I feel is the sense of loss. Knowing each person I meet could end up injured or dead, their blood, coating my skin and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When my worst fears are confirmed and my chopper is filled with body bags, names I recognize on the tags and the sound of loss interchanges with the sound of my flying. Knowing that I'll dream about their deaths and praying that I don't see your face overlaid on theirs._

_So I think of you, the sound of your laughter, the dimple on your cheek as you smile and the way your hand fits in mine and all I know is that I need to see you again. To touch you, taste you and make you feel the way you've made me feel. I want to show you that I'm strong because of you, that I can be the person you smiled at from across the bar._

_I want to tell you I love you and see the understanding and acceptance in your eyes. I want to kiss you again and again and again."_

Quinn blinks and sees Rachel sitting on the bed, the half full glass on the side table and her eyes brimming with tears. She pushes forward capturing Rachel's lips, each kiss preceded by another more fervent one. Teeth grazing skin, her tongue tasting Rachel's desire only to feel Rachel's hand curl around hers as she pulls back, their foreheads touching. Hearing Rachel's voice once again giving hope to the words on the paper.

" _So I wished I had never met you because you seem so good, so perfect and so like a dream. And the contrast of experiences then and now so wide that it feels unfair and cruel. And all I see when I close my eyes are images of death and violence, all I hear are screams of pain and all I can remember is what it feels like when my world almost ended._

_Only I know that you're out there and I pray that you're happy. And I wish that when we finally meet I'll be able to show you how much you've meant to me, how much I truly love you and we'll finally get forever._

_Always_

_Quinn_

"I'm always going to be here." Rachel initiates this kiss. The previous kisses they had shared tonight were used to convey and reinforce one thing; faith in each other and faith in their bond and love. The kiss they shared now was passionate and expressed need. A need that was physical and needed to be fulfilled as it had been promised in every touch and contact they shared.

Quinn instinctively cupping Rachel's face in her hands as the kiss deepened, moaning as the heat of their contact spread throughout her body. She could actually feel the nerve fibers in her limbs tingling in anticipation and desire. She slowly leans forward even more, her knees on either side of Rachel's body and her palms flat on the bed, supporting her body weight.

Rachel's hands are warm against her skin and the intensity of the kiss raises the temperature even further. She sinks back slightly, and looks up at Quinn, the blonde's eyes were slightly closed and the redness of her just-kissed lips, a stark contrast to her pale skin. Rachel slowly begins to trace Quinn's cheek with her finger. Such a beautiful face and as she nears Quinn's lips, the blond let out a sigh.

Quinn could feel Rachel everywhere, on her skin, surrounding her, enveloping her in a way that made her feel so alive. Rachel's fingers are tracing her lips and she flicks her tongue out to taste them. She wants so badly to taste the brunette to consume her even. But she knows that this beautiful experience should not be rushed. Each time they had come together had been a unique experience and she knows this will be no different. She opens her eyes then, suckling at Rachel's fingers making her hungry for more. Drinking in the sight of the brunette lying beneath her, Rachel's beautiful hair fanned around her and she looks at Quinn silently consenting to her pace despite her growing need to fully give herself over.

Quinn doesn't hesitate. She straddles Rachel,unbuttoning her pajama top. Each time she pops open a button, she bends down to rain kisses on her smooth skin. Taking her time and enjoying every second of it. As the middle button comes undone, she slowly pushes apart the fabric, the sight of Rachel's breasts taking her breath away.

Round and full with the most perfect erect nipples. Rachel suddenly looking down shyly but Quinn touches her cheek then, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Beautiful…you're so beautiful and these…" Quinn slowly kisses around one of Rachel's nipples and can feel her shudder. Next, proceeding to kiss the other one but this time, she uses her tongue to draw a circle around it before slowly kissing it and then trailing her lips way up pass the cleft in Rachel's throat to her full lips.

Rachel can discern each and every touch of Quinn's lips on her body; each point of contact, leaving an invisible imprint of heat and ardor. She could kiss Quinn forever, each languid moment forever lost in time but enabling them to move forward to new explorations. She can feel Quinn's hand still stroking her breast, drawing circles within circles finally trailing down her breast bone; such tender touches that fully ignited her senses.

She can hear the blood rushing in her veins, the sound of it so loud, yet in reality only the soft sounds of their joint whispers and moans can be heard. She slowly pushes Quinn up only to hear the blonde's plea "No…."

But she needs to see Quinn too as she pushes up the fabric of her tank. Quinn realizing what Rachel's trying to do and though she feels the acute loss of Rachel's skin on her lips, she swiftly pulls of the t-shirt, discarding it to one side. Quinn does not mind the scars on her body but knows that Rachel hates the scar on her abdomen and still think that she's not beautiful.

Rachel can feel Quinn's eyes rake over her and she knows she's not perfect. But when she looks up at Quinn, all she can distinguish is beauty and grace reflected in her hazel eyes, that she truly believes that perhaps she could be all that and more to Quinn.

Quinn can feel her own wetness flowing and the feeling of bliss emanating from every contact of skin on skin, but her need was ever growing as she struggles to pull off her pants and tugging at Rachel's as well. Rachel giggles then, a sound of pure joy and mischief, their tangled legs preventing Quinn's effort.

Her arched eyebrow causing Rachel to stop as the brunette finally stilling her hand, then rolling her onto her back and pulling off her pants in one smooth move. It was something Rachel had wanted to do ever since spotting Quinn wearing them and apparently, she has a gift for undressing her.

Rachel seeing Quinn's panties wet through and holding her breath knowing that she had done that. She had made Quinn want her physically and it will always surprise and soothe her to know that they will always be so attuned. To have her body react physically to a caress or a kiss was breathtaking but to know that it was borne out of love was magnificent.

Quinn puts her hands on Rachel's hips and languorously pulled her shorts and panties down. She wants to taste Rachel so badly, her hands are literally shaking, not out of fear but out of want. She places her palm around Rachel's neck and guides her down their lips meeting again. Only this time, it's Quinn who initiates their contact and guides their bodies.

She wasn't going to hurry with what she has in mind. Her hands tracing a path all around Rachel's luscious body and likewise, Rachel's own hands stroking and touching Quinn. It was like they were discovering each other for the first time, and though their physical need to climax was there, there was no need to rush. Expressing their mutual love through touch reigning in their physical need for now.

With the most gentle of touches, Rachel's fingers stroke the small folds of Quinn's sex, which are slick and swollen with arousal. Quinn arches her back, wanting Rachel inside. Her eagerness to give herself over completely to the blazing sensations that sears through her mind and body nearly making her forgo her exploration of Rachel and instead guide the brunette's hand. However Quinn's also struggling with her own overpowering need to savor Rachel and so she reaches out for Rachel's hand but not to guide it inwards. Instead, she raises it over the brunette's head and places her other palm on Rachel's shoulder, slowing pushing her to lie back down on the bed.

Quinn drapes her body over Rachel's; not wanting to bear down on her with her weight but she can't resist full contact of skin on skin. She can feel warmth radiating from Rachel as her teeth tenderly nipping at her earlobe as she inhales the scent of her love. Rachel taste like peaches and smells of vanilla and Quinn cannot wait any longer, so she lovingly moves down Rachel's body. The brunette almost shivering but not quite.

It wasn't that Rachel feels cold, in fact, having Quinn lay on top of her was protection enough from the cold or anything else. It was just that every part of her wants Quinn so much that she's trembling. Finally feeling it, Quinn's amazing tongue swirling around her clit. She can feel herself clenching and holding her breath, not out of fear but wanting to better experience the sensations flooding her body.

She can feel Quinn suckling, her tongue darting in and out, Quinn's nimble fingers gripping the tender flesh of her thigh. The sensation of being branded by Quinn etched forever on her soul. Desire fighting through her consciousness and emanating from the back of her throat in a low moan.

Quinn feels like she's tasting heaven. Just tasting the wet essence of Rachel completely intoxicating. A mixture of texture and taste all culminating in a sensation of warmth and musk, that makes her body quiver. Her initial aching need fully sated, Quinn finally looks up. She can see Rachel's startling brown eyes, heavy lidded, her mouth slightly parted. Her face suffused with light and bliss. Once again Quinn descends, probing deeper with fingers and tongue.

Rachel has no words. Her hips bucking up and then dropping back down, grounding into the already tangled sheets beneath her. And slowly they find their rhythm, moving together in perfect unison, Quinn closing her eyes and losing herself to Rachel, only Rachel, always Rachel. She was her life and her love, precious and essential.

"Quinn! YES!" Rachel's climax when it comes, races through her torso and limbs. Such powerful convulsions of muscle and tissue that leaves her body shuddering. Quinn had felt the force of Rachel's orgasm flow through. Finally pulling herself upwards then, and laying down facing Rachel, her fingers tracing her collarbone and eventually resting across her torso; words of love and adoration falling from her lips.

Rachel tilts her head slightly to hear Quinn's gentle entreaties and responds in kind. "You make me feel special and loved. My whole life I have waited for you" Her voice thick, not with tears but with love so strong, it's almost tangible.

"Always." Quinn takes Rachel's hand in hers and bringing it to her lips.

"I love you." Three simple words, that carries such meaning and weight. For Quinn, it signifies everything she was and ever could be. She had lost so much; her direction, her spirit and she had always thought she had lost her ability to love. With the words, she realizes that like Rachel, who had hidden her heart, she had hidden her love as well but that was in the past and Rachel is her future.

**The End**


End file.
